Go Fuck Yourself Anytime: Paul Ryan and the House GOP

Well, they finally went and did it, didn’t they? After talking shit about Obamacare and making over sixty symbolic attempts to repeal it over the past seven years, the House of Representatives just barely managed to pass a huge kidney stone* called the American Health Care Act. Americans are either celebrating or shitting in their pants, literally and/or metaphorically depending on whether they have a pre-existing condition.

Unlike the abortive attempt to put forth a version of the AHCA bill back in March, this time they managed to persuade/bribe enough GOP members of Congress to vote for the bill by promising to put their pet issues in future bills. They set up the President with his favorite craft activity (calling people and pretending to make deals with them), before sending him out for a play-date at one of his rallies. Then after they put him down for his afternoon nap, they got down to the business of finally getting rid of President Obama’s signature health care law and thus his entire legacy once and for all.

And, oh yeah, replacing it.

Donald Trump once said in a TV interview that the repeal and replace plan would be a lot better than Obamacare, a lot less expensive, and that it would cover everyone. Afterward in Congress, crickets chirped for a few seconds. There was a collective gasp and repetition of, “oh my god, what the fuck did he just say” and then finally they they started pissing themselves with laughter over how precious little Donny was for saying something so unbelievably cute. Later on, he did learn that health care stuff was really, really hard, didn’t he?

Congress had been pretend-trying to repeal Obamacare ever since it was signed into law in 2010. Of course they weren’t serious about it. If they really wanted to they would have done it, but instead they kept making attempts in order to reassure their constituents that they were working, like, so hard on it. However, now the pressure was on. They had to actually do something. They weren’t really concerned with what was in the replacement plan. If they were they would have bothered to discuss it for longer than three hours. Or to have it scored. Or to read it.

One of the nicer things about Obamacare was that it made it illegal for insurance companies to charge exorbitant rates for people with pre-existing conditions. The AHCA is not concerned about providing actual health care for actual sick people, and thus it allows the insurance industry to go right back to charging the most money or even flat out denying coverage to the people who need it the most. They have also added a few interesting new pre-existing conditions to the list. There are very few people who have not suffered at least one of the many ailments listed, but nevertheless, according to the GOP we’re all scumbags. Those of us who have had or do have one of these conditions is sick because we’ve obviously made very poor lifestyle choices, and therefore we don’t deserve any treatment for being such bad people.

Those of us undeserving of health care can be denied coverage for any of the following pre-existing conditions:

AIDS/HIV, acid reflux, acne, ADD, addiction, Alzheimer’s/dementia, anemia, aneurysm, angioplasty, anorexia, anxiety, arrhythmia, arthritis, asthma, atrial fibrillation, autism, bariatric surgery, basal cell carcinoma, bipolar disorder, blood clot, breast cancer, bulimia, bypass surgery, celiac disease, cerebral aneurysm, cerebral embolism, cerebral palsy, cerebral thrombosis, cervical cancer, colon cancer, colon polyps, congestive heart failure, COPD, Crohn’s disease, cystic fibrosis, DMD, depression, diabetes, disabilities, Down syndrome, eating disorder, enlarged prostate, epilepsy, glaucoma, gout, heart disease, heart murmur, heartburn, hemophilia, hepatitis C, herpes, high cholesterol, hypertension, hysterectomy, kidney disease, kidney stones*, kidney transplant, leukemia, lung cancer, lupus, lymphoma, mental health issues, migraines, MS, muscular dystrophy, narcolepsy, nasal polyps, obesity, OCD, organ transplant, osteoporosis, pacemaker, panic disorder, paralysis, paraplegia, Parkinson’s disease, pregnancy, restless leg syndrome, schizophrenia, seasonal affective disorder, seizures, sickle cell disease, skin cancer, sleep apnea, sleep disorders, stent, stroke, thyroid issues, tooth disease, tuberculosis, ulcers.

Notice how breast cancer, cervical cancer, hysterectomy, and pregnancy are on the list and erectile dysfunction, testicular cancer, and prostate cancer aren’t? At this point, being born female is pretty much a pre-existing condition.

Okay guys, enlarged prostate is on the list, but all you have to do is wait for it to turn into cancer and then you can get it treated. How’s that for winning?

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: Peter Thiel

Mayor of Libertaria
Population: all the white boys who haven’t progressed beyond The Fountainhead

Peter Thiel is totally gay, people but that’s not why he wins RM’s esteemed Go Fuck Yourself ~~Weekly~~ Whenever award. Nope. I’d say we love gay folks but I’d sound like pander-pander-salamander or Donald Trump. Peter Thiel wins this round of Go Fuck Yourself Whenever because he is a horrible, horrible, horrible person with a dangerously “good brain.”

A little background music for the background, s’il te plaît.

On the surface, Bollea v. Gawker was a lawsuit about invasion of privacy of a reality tv personality (oxymoron, no?). Pull back Hulk Hogan’s ridiculous bandanna and you’ll not only find a bald head but Peter Thiel’s bulging forehead vein, a lust for vengeance and very deep pockets.

The end result: the death of Gawker Media due to an award of $115+/- million in compensation for the deeply traumatized, champion of diversity, Hulk Hogan. Believe it or not, people celebrated this. They celebrated the collapse of a controversial media outlet. They were overjoyed that Nick Denton lost his empire. They delighted in AJ Daulerio’s bank account being frozen (worth all of $1,505.78).

All this celebration while missing the critical point: free press has been compromised by a Silicon Valley billionaire with a grudge. The precedent has been set: regardless of fact, regardless of reason – if you don’t like what is in print simply bury the outlet and move on with your bad self. So long as you have the dollars, of course. Thiel had the resources to kill Gawker. Thiel had the fire in the belly to stick it to Nick Denton (a post in Valleywag from 2007). All he needed was the case. Hogan’s was it. Nine years later, Thiel gets his and the cornerstone of our democracy – fuck it.

Meanwhile, Thiel’s company, Palantir Technologies, has been working for ICE’s HSI (since 2011) on a project called FALCON. The scope (via Raw Story): develop and implement a “complex intelligence system which allows ICE to store, search and analyze troves of data that include family relationships, employment information, immigration history, criminal records and home and work addresses.” In 2014, Palantir entered into another agreement with ICE’s HSI to build a case management system which processes civil and criminal cases.

Peter Thiel has been a very busy, totally gay man, people. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the “totally gay” comment is what sent Thiel into rage overdrive with respect to Gawker Media.

Now, Thiel has a new folly. Thiel is part of President-Elect Shitgibbon’s transition team. Should you be concerned? If his past actions are any indication of his determination, Thiel is going to get what Thiel wants. We know Thiel wants money and I’ll even go so far as to say “Good for you, totally gay, money making dynamo! You make your dollars!”

But what about the diversity element? How does Thiel feel about that?

Back in *1996, Thiel co-authored a book with David O. Sacks titled “The Diversity Myth: Multiculturalism and Political Intolerance on Campus.” In it, Sacks and Thiel attack multiculturalism and diversity in academia, namely Stanford University:

This is a powerful exploration of the debilitating impact that politically-correct “multiculturalism” has had upon higher education and academic freedom in the United States. In the name of diversity, many leading academic and cultural institutions are working to silence dissent and stifle intellectual life. This book exposes the real impact of multiculturalism on the institution most closely identified with the politically correct decline of higher education—Stanford University. Authored by two Stanford graduates, this book is a compelling insider’s tour of a world of speech codes, “dumbed-down” admissions standards and curricula, campus witch hunts, and anti-Western zealotry that masquerades as legitimate scholarly inquiry. Sacks and Thiel use numerous primary sources—the Stanford Daily, class readings, official university publications—to reveal a pattern of politicized classes, housing, budget priorities, and more. They trace the connections between such disparate trends as political correctness, the gender wars, Generation X nihilism, and culture wars, showing how these have played a role in shaping multiculturalism at institutions like Stanford. The authors convincingly show that multiculturalism is not about learning more; it is actually about learning less. They end their comprehensive study by detailing the changes necessary to reverse the tragic disintegration of American universities and restore true academic excellence.

A passage plucked from the book and shared for your reading pleasure by Advocate:

But since a multicultural rape charge may indicate nothing more than belated regret, a woman might ‘realize’ that she had been ‘raped’ the next day or even many days later. Under these circumstances, it is unclear who should be held responsible. If the alcohol made both of them do it, then why should the woman’s consent be obviated any more than the man’s? Why is all blame placed on the man?

Passages cited by The Guardian on diversity:

Real diversity requires a diversity of ideas, not simply a bunch of like-minded activists who resemble the bar scene from Star Wars.

…and…

As paradoxical as it may seem, the extreme focus on racism has become the source of acrimony, as multiculturalists charge whites with more evanescent and intangible forms of racism, such as ‘institutional racism’ or ‘unconscious racism’. As a result, the awareness of racism, once the main hope for ending racial division, today has become a major cause of debate and friction.

In October 2016, Forbes contacted Thiel about “The Diversity Myth” and his spokesperson responded with:

More than two decades ago, I co-wrote a book with several insensitive, crudely argued statements,” Thiel said in a statement. “As I’ve said before, I wish I’d never written those things. I’m sorry for it. Rape in all forms is a crime. I regret writing passages that have been taken to suggest otherwise.

Granted, Peter Thiel did say “I am proud to be gay.” during his speech at the Republican National Convention this past July but is that enough? While it is certainly brave to own homosexuality at the Republican National Convention, the act itself does not mean the person doing it is free from bias and prejudice. One can very easily fall into the category of marginalized while harboring feelings of bias. Most do it daily, completely unaware of their own behavior, on some level.

There is no disputing Thiel’s genius which may be the saddest thing of all. No one is demanding he cast aside his Libertarian ideology (although, I do think a 49 year-old Libertarian is intellectually stunted. That way of thinking should be left in one’s 20s.). What Thiel does need to do is become less of a demented, evil fuckstick intent on using this country as his token while he plays his distorted version of Monopoly. Visiting a psychiatrist may also come in handy to get that anger under control.

Shutting down a media outlet because you don’t like what it prints is not the way this country works. Manipulating a legal system for your own personal satisfaction is absolute bullshit. It’s one thing to be a profitable supplier to a government agency. It’s another thing to be a supplier of goods and services which harm society. Enabling a government’s effort to harm people, citizens or non, is unethical but I suppose ethics get a little fuzzy when your vision is blurred by dollar signs and dancing bags of money.

As for the whole diversity issue, from a casual observer’s perspective, it looks as if Peter Thiel has end-stage Implicit Bias (best case scenario). I shudder to think if this is intentional, although I should not be surprised. Not in Shitgibbon’s Amerikkka, at the very least.

And, with one long, detailed, not-so-snarky post, Mr Peter Thiel, congratulations! You are cordially invited to go fuck yourself in the totally gayest way you could imagine. I’m putting my money on ball gags and leather because I’m also thinking Peter Thiel is a very, very, very, totally gay and totally naughty boy.

*Cannot confirm actual date of publishing. Five (Advocate, Forbes, The Guardian, Goodreads, Independent Institute – 1996, 1995, 1995, 1996, 1998 respectively) sources cited three different years.

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: Daryush Valizadeh aka RooshV

“How many noes does it take to enter a vagina?”

“Make rape legal if done on private property.”

This is one of those instances when I’m honestly not sure whether this RooshV person is actually serious or whether his extremely misogynist – what he terms “neomasculist” – views are simply trolling everyone, with feminists as the particular target. The statements above and the following statement seem a little too calculated to be genuine:

“Under my proposal, a girl will protect her body in the same manner that she protects her purse and smartphone…If rape becomes legal, she will never be unchaperoned with a man she doesn’t want to sleep with.”

Apparently, he thinks that a woman’s body and her genitals in particular are the same thing as her purse and her smartphone. You know, just some stuff that’s up for grabs if it’s not locked up. I suppose if he saw someone’s phone sitting on their desk at work, that he would help himself to it. Why wouldn’t he? Obviously, they wanted him to have it. And likewise, any man who finds himself alone with a woman should feel free to coerce her into sex, or if that doesn’t work, simply force himself on her. Technically, it wouldn’t be forcing her at all since she gave him her tacit consent as soon as she stepped across his threshold.

And, hey, if rape on private property was legal then there would be a lot less rape, right? It’s a win-win situation. Only a rape committed by a stranger in a back alley is a real rape anyway. If a friend or a colleague or classmate gets a woman alone then he’s entitled to her body.

The message to women is clear: if you don’t feel like having sex with a man then don’t be alone with him, ever. And as for the men, if you’re in a committed relationship and you really don’t want to cheat on your significant other, then for God’s sake don’t allow yourself to be alone with any woman. You know you’re incapable of controlling yourself.

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: The Anti-Muslim, Anti-Syrian Refugee Brigade

OMG you stupid fucking fucks. You googling simpletons. You idiotic keyboard warriors. You ignorant, bigoted fucksticks. You insufferable, simple-minded, tea-bagging hard-ons. For the love of whatever it is you worship, cut it the fuck out with the ISIS/WASWAS bullshit!

We can all agree that ISIS/Daesh/whatever is a cadre of lunatics. Yes. That’s about as much courtesy as I’m going to extend. That’s it. That’s all you’re getting from me.

When I posted the ISIS/WASWAS meme, I did so as an indictment of Ronald Reagan’s fuckery. He was given the Go Fuck Yourself Weekly award. I told his ilk to go fuck itself, too. Note…I didn’t even suggest it. I wasn’t polite about it, either. I meant it. Go. Fuck. YOURSELF. Method of fucking irrelevant. Fuck yourself with a dildo. Fuck yourself with a butt-plug. Fuck yourself with your neighbor’s shoe. Fuck yourself with a fluorescent light bulb. Fuck yourself with a tent stake. Fuck yourself with your gun. I don’t care. Just go fuck yourself. Quietly.

I repeat...

I repeat…

Now, après-Paris, the ISIS/WASWAS hits are higher than ever. I chuckle when I see the stats and think “I wonder what these sacks of nobs think if they bother to read the piece?” Then I remind myself that they likely rank considerably low on the reading comprehension scale and sigh. These people who land on Random Misanthrope because my stupid fucking meme happens to be el numero uno on an image search don’t quite understand history. They certainly aren’t going to agree with my perspective. They just want blood and validation of their hate.

ZOMG! Let's find another reason to hate brown people!!!111!

ZOMG! Let’s find another reason to hate brown people!!!111!

Very well. But I don’t have to give it to them.

What I can give them is this: Random Misanthrope’s Go Fuck Yourself Weekly award. And why? Because I despise their way of thinking. Because I despise their politics. Because I find bigotry so fucking offensive, I cannot even describe the intensity of my rage without sounding like I have Tourette’s.

It is well within their right to morph into some Francophile now that a tragedy fits their narrative. It’s well within their right to revert to calling frites French Fries instead of Freedumb Fries. It’s well within their right to fly the French flag beneath their American flag and their confederate flags. Just as it’s well within my right to openly mock them on the most juvenile level possible because, as we have learned, it is imperative to write to the level of one’s audience.

I mean it, fuckers.

I mean it, fuckers.

(unedited, not proofed because I just don’t give a fuck)

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: Martin Shkreli aka The Pharma Bro

I know, I know. Every news outlet and blog has already reported about Martin Shkreli and the infamous price gouging maneuver he pulled about a month ago. But if there’s anyone who deserves to be told to go fuck himself this week, it’s this guy. It simply has to be done.

Anyway, if you want to know the all details of who he is and what he did, there are plenty of them out there. However, in the teensiest of nutshells, this scumbag is the founder of a startup pharmaceutical company called Turing Pharmaceuticals. Last month they bought the patent for a drug called Daraprim – which is used to treat parasitic infections like toxoplasmosis – and raised the price of the drug from $13.50 (or $18, as Shkreli claims) to $750 per pill.

Yes, you read that right. PER PILL.

Seven hundred and fifty fucking dollars per pill.

That’s about a 5,500% (or only 4,000% as Shkreli claims) increase. I’m guessing it took about a month for someone to notice the price increase and expose the motherfucker. And when he was exposed, pretty much the entire internet attacked him. I don’t really have much to add to all the outrage. It’s all been discussed, tweeted, blogged, posted on Facebook, etc., over the past twenty-four hours.

Anyway, the mind simply boggles. It will not process this information. All I really have to say is this:

I mean, seriously, dude. WHAT THE FUCK????

I should point out that, by now, after enduring a huge internet shitstorm backlash, Shkreli has agreed to lower the price of the drug to a more “affordable” level. I put the word in quotes because who knows what the fuck he thinks affordable means. Previously, he said that the new price for the drug, $750, was a “more appropriate” price for it. I certainly don’t think he’s going to lower it down to its original price.

Unfortunately, in the United States of America, there are no laws regulating the costs of prescription drugs. It’s controlled by free-market capitalism. And as long as there are people needing live-saving medications, there will be people like this asshole willing to bend them over a chair and take advantage of them, without lube.

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: Mike Huckabee is out of his goddamned mind.

The previous week in American politics has seen one of the winningest winning streaks in recent history. In the wake of the overwhelmingly tragic shootings at the EMA Church in Charleston, SC, public officials all over the South finally came to their senses and took down the Confederate Flag from government buildings. Then shortly after declaring that the Affordable Care Act is, in fact, constitutional (again), the Supreme Court of the United States gave one big judiciary middle finger to homophobia when they ruled that all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation, are entitled to equal treatment under the law, and therefore it is unconstitutional to deny them marriage licences. Same sex marriage became legal in all 50 states with one resounding pound of the gavel. Justice Kennedy’s final ruling on the case reads like poetry. He totally kills it.

Myself and my like-minded friends and family members rejoiced when the news broke out on Friday, undoubtedly just as fervently as the right-wing hate machine at Fox News and the conservative blogosphere reacted equally and oppositely with outrage. They declared that the SCOTUS was overstepping its bounds, that the ruling is unconstitutional, totally misapprehending that the primary function of the SCOTUS is to interpret the constitution. Therefore, if they say something is constitutional, then it’s good and damn well constitutional. End of discussion.

One of the most insane voices in protest over the ruling is former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who told Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly that he wouldn’t acquiesce to a “imperial” court anymore than the Founding Fathers would do so to a tyrannical British monarch. “We must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat.” Yes, he’s actually comparing the SCOTUS ruling on equal marriage rights to the Revolutionary War. How typically Tea Partian. To her credit, however, Megyn Kelly’s not buying a word of it. “What does that mean,” is her response to his ravings about the “tyrannical” Supreme Court. And when he tries to tell her that the SCOTUS ruling was unconstitutional, she reminds him that the SCOTUS has the final say and that he has to accept it, “How do you not accept it,” she asks.

He then goes on to compare the ruling on same sex marriage to the Dred Scott Decision of 1857, in which free African Americans were found not to be citizens in a 7-2 ruling by the SCOTUS. They therefore had no rights whatsoever, and President Lincoln, acknowledging the unfairness and general awfulness of the ruling, decided to consider them citizens anyway. Yes, Huckabee actually invoked a SCOTUS ruling denying people rights as an example of why we don’t need to accept one granting people equal rights.

But then how could one expect anything less from a man who, earlier this year, declared that he would “call fire from Heaven” in an effort to root out the “false prophets” and make American citizens come to their collective senses regarding traditional marriage and family values. According to Huckabee, same sex marriage is the single worst atrocity that has ever been committed by man, worse than enslaving an entire race of people, bombing entire cities into oblivion, or committing genocide in the name of religion. No. Gay marriage is what’s really going to provoke the wrath of God, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to stand by and and just watch it happen.

Or perhaps, he and the rest of the right-wing, homophobic, bible thumpers currently foaming at the mouth over the ruling, could just calm the fuck down and accept it, since gay couples being allowed to get married doesn’t affect them in the slightest possible way. Or they could always move to Canada, as many have threatened to do over the ruling, just like they did over Obamacare, not realizing that, along with National Health care, same-sex marriage has been universally legal in Canada for almost a decade.

Well, gosh darn. Is there nowhere that an insufferable, intolerant, and insane idiot can find refuge these days? I hear Saudia Arabia is very nice this time of year.

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: Ronald Reagan and His Sheeple

Thinking. You’re doing it wrong. Alternatively, not at all.

Good grief. The stupid...it is powerful.

Good grief. The stupid…it is powerful.

This shit popped up today. Isn’t it just sooooooo funny‽ Don’t you see the fucking hilarity of it all? If Ronald Reagan was alive, ISIS would be WASWAS!!!! ZOMG – The sheer brilliance of it all! King Ronnie would shepherd his flock to safety. He would save the world! No more pesky and nagging threats from radical religious fundamentalists with a thirst for blood and an unyielding need for decapitating human beings. Peace on Earth shall be. Finally. And after that, King Ronnie would quickly rid the world of the scourge that is Welfare Queens in Escalades. Although, he’ll only do that to those who are of color. White, corporate welfare queens; you are safe. Kindly resume life in your ivory towers giving zero fucks about the struggle outside the moat. It is not yours to manage.

And this is why Rainbow Dash is 20% cooler than you.

And this is why Rainbow Dash is 20% cooler than you.

What these people who post this tripe fail to understand is that Al-Qaeda and its bastard children are the fucking product of Ronald Reagan’s foreign policy. In the spirit of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend,” Ronald Reagan armed, trained and developed the militia that is now Al-Qaeda (and subsequent splinter groups cum bastard children). This is a fucking fact. Yet, it’s so oft overlooked, I wonder where my generation was when this was in the news? Oh wait – outside playing until the street lights come on. That’s right. I forgot about the series of memes waxing idiotic about the good old days when it was acceptable to beat your kids and kids didn’t sit in front of screens all of the time. Also, do homework.

And, furthermore, how was Reagan going to deal with ISIS? Was he going to deploy that monument to awesome military strategy taught to all West Pointers? You know the one I’m talking about – running away like a fucking coward when 241 Marines were slaughtered in Beirut?

These people who think Ronald Reagan was the Second Coming (more like the Second Coming of Lucifer if you happen to be religious) seemingly overlook all that was wrong with the 80s. They forget about the bullshit that is “Trickle Down Economics.” Fuck that. Why should any of us have to wait for a fucking trickle? Why didn’t anyone ask that question? You work hard. You think a trickle is an acceptable reward for your labor? This bitch doesn’t. This bitch, like many other bitches, doesn’t break her back so an executive can have a golden parachute.

Iran/Contra. I could go on for hours about that because I listened to every single hearing during the summer of 1987. I’m emotionally scarred. My shrink has advised me not to go back to that point in time.

The dissolution of the family farm. Now, we have agricorporations. It’s not unlike the health care model Nixon and Kaiser developed in the 70s. Shut out the little guys, allow the big corporations to take over and *presto* instant monopoly, albeit legal.

These are mere highlights of one of the absolute worst things to befall this country. And people line up to metaphorically gargle the balls of Saint Ronnie’s corpse. Not even Nancy would go that far (unless her astrologer told her to).

So, for those spreading the ISIS/WASWAS, for those who ache for the golden era of Ronald Reagan and for Ronald Reagan and his political cabinet (less James Brady) – CONGRATULATIONS, MOTHERFUCKERS. You are the recipient of this week’s Go Fuck Yourself Weekly award.

Don't like it? There's the door, sugartits.

Don’t like it? There’s the door, sugartits.

Vinnie Barbarino knows women’s bodies better than Vito Barbieri (but Vinnie ain’t no legislator!)

This week in the journals of GFY, Stupidity On Parade!

Okay, that’s not unusual, there is a lot of stupidity around, and we do like to parade it, but this one still feels like it is in a league all its own.

On February 23, in this year of Cthulhu 2015, Mr.Vito Barbieri, a republican representative in the Idaho legislature (no I can’t bring myself to spell republican with an upper-case R, sue me) raised a serious question during discussion of an abortion bill. He was questioning Dr. Julie Madsen.

The bill in question would ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing drugs via video conference, or phone call, thus limiting access to abortion for women in outlying areas. Dr.Madsen was explaining how remote cameras can work in situations such as a colonoscopy, where one would swallow a capsule with a tiny camera that can be operated remotely. This makes sense, because there is actually a connection between the mouth and the colon. It was then that good old VB asked his stunning question, which he later tried to explain away as being rhethorical. He asked Dr.Madsen if the same method could be used for pregnancies. Here is the exact exchange, because you can’t make this stuff up:

Barbieri: “You mentioned the risk of colonoscopy , can that be done by drugs?”

Dr. Julie Madsen: “It cannot be done by drugs. It can, however, be done remotely where you swallow a pill and this pill has a little camera, and it makes its way through your intestines and those images are uploaded to a doctor who’s often thousands of miles away, who then interprets that.”

Barbieri: “Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?”

Madsen: “It cannot be done in pregnancy, simply because when you swallow a pill, it would not end up in the vagina.” (Hoots of laughter from the audience)

Barbieri: “Fascinating. That certainly makes sense, doctor.”
His attempt to explain the question away as being rhethorical is hilarious, simply because it is not based in any reality whatsoever. He might as well have asked if it were possible to recruit tiny green spacemen like they have in old Twilight Zone episodes and let them do gynecological exams.

The whole affair raises a slew of questions for me. I have to wonder if Mr.Barbieri believes you can get pregnant by swallowing semen. If that were the case one of the few tried and true birth control methods would be thrown out the window, and all those people who have t-shirts reading “I could have had a brother, but mom swallowed” would have to burn them since they would be meaningless. Although it might open up new possibilities for smuggling, and finally provide a scientific basis for the Linda Lovelace phenomenon, that is to say the plotline in the infamous Deep Throat movie. The storyline goes that her clitoris is located in her throat. In fact, perhaps that’s the sort of resource Mr.Barbieri has used to gather his unique spin on anatomical information.

If there was a direct line from mouth to vagina, I wonder where he thinks the food would go when women eat? No doubt he has an explanation for that as well, and is probably ready to propose legislation for larger feminine protection products in order to help women with the food overflow, since he is so concerned for them and has his finger on the pulse. He’s not sure exactly where the pulse is, but his finger is there.

Of course if there is a direct line from mouth to vagina, there must be a direct line the other way as well, and that conjures up pictures to disturbing to even consider.

But not to worry, there is no act of anatomical terrorism that legislation can’t deal with, though even as I write that I hesitate slightly, should “anatomical terrorism” actually become a concept. One never knows anymore. Hunter S. Thompson used to say when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. He also said, in a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity. If so, Mr. Barbieri you are a special kind of sinner, a sinner in a league all your own. I take special joy in telling you to GFY, because I realize you might actually try.

(Incidentally, when looking Mr.Vito Barbieri up online, I found there is another Mr.Vito Barbieri who is apparently a doctor in Italy. Given the potential affect on his career should anyone attribute Mr.VB’s inane anatomical quote to Dr.VB, I think he should consider a major lawsuit for potential slander and damage. I’ll have my attornies draft a letter to his attornies, with proper references, because no doubt they’ll just think it is a joke at first.)

Go Fuck Yourself Weekly: Tampons and other non-essential, luxury items.

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. For realz. Did you know that we pay extra for shit? Such as getting our hair done, and clothing, and hygiene products in pink packaging with the words, “For Women” written on them. Why do clothing companies, hair stylists, and manufacturers of bullshit “For Women” products charge women more? Well, because they can. So they do. They know that we will pay more money for a woman’s product even though it’s the same exact thing as the men’s formula, just with a “feminine” scent added to it. What can I say? We’re idiots. We totally buy into the gendered marketing phenomenon because, ooh…this deodorant is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. I feel so special.

I would characterize cucumber-avocado shower gel as a somewhat luxurious, non-essential item. After all, you could always use regular soap and save money. However, there are some products that women definitely need in a very essential, and very non-luxurious kind of way. I’m of course referring to menstruation peripherals (thanks, Russ), otherwise known as feminine hygiene products. These are some of the most essential products required by anyone with a functioning uterus. Getting one’s period is not a unique, nor a luxurious experience. Therefore, why on earth are tampons and similar products classified as “non-essential, luxury items” by HM Revenue and Customs in the UK? This classification means they are subject to VAT, a luxury tax that’s not added to completely non-luxurious, and absolutely essential items like edible sugar flowers. After all, everyone buys edible sugar flowers every time they go grocery shopping, right? They are as essential as crocodile meat and alcoholic jellies (I mean…Jello Shots! Hello!!), both of which are also not subject to VAT.

But for some reason, tampons are. Granted, it’s a reduced VAT. It used to be 17.5% but it was dropped to 5% in 2000. I just don’t understand the reasoning behind the idea that tampons are luxurious and non-essential. They are required by every single female with a functioning reproductive system. Once again, we’re being charged extra just because we’re women.

By the way, you know what else is subject to the 5% VAT? Children’s car seats. Apparently the HMRC also considers these to be non-essential and luxurious. I thought parents were required by law to use them, but what do I know?

Random Misanthrope’s…

….Go Fuck Yourself Weekly!!!

Since my return from my self-imposed exile, I have refrained from scribbling about politics because, at this point, it’s pretty much like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s effortless skewering requiring little thought – these idiots write the material themselves. All we need to do is read any old newspaper (note: NOT BLOG. A blog is not a legitimate news source, you right winged asshats. Neither is a newsletter from your local “I have a throbbing hard-on for the 2^nd Amendment” gun club.) and it’s all there in its glory. Be it from Palin, LePage (a personal favorite of mine), Chris “Governor Sammiches” Christie or Rand Paul – it is an infinite font of stupid. Thus, I have been reluctant to dispense of the stink-eye because *everyone* is doing that and Kang is not a joiner. Kang is a trendsetter. Remember that. ಠ_ಠ

Until today.

Until I had some inspiration. Or…several sources of inspiration.

Aside from my daily devouring of various LIEberal (tut tut tut) media websites, I also troll for memes and keep a reasonable cache of them for quick and easy reference. I do this because, sadly, my humor is not far removed from that of a 12 year old boy or the average 4chan user. The more ridiculous the meme the better, too. For instance – take any children’s show, slap adult language on top of it and I’ll keel over with laughter. It has become the visual version of the “what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?” jokes that, for whatever reason, bring forth a laughter induced asthma attack. Not only am I a cheap date, I’m easily amused by dad jokes and shit.

Between the reading of the news and the trolling of the memes, I thought “Hmmm…it’s been years since we have done any sort of writing exercises. The last time I had posted any asshole du jour spleen vents was back when Kang World was still Kang World – 2008, mebbe? What if I tried a serial? Do I have the attention span and stamina for that?” Welp – let’s find out. And let’s give it a catchy title, too. How about: “Random Misanthrope’s Go Fuck Yourself Weekly?” A nice lilt. No irritating alliteration. Includes the word “fuck.” Ok, possible. I might get bored and change things if I find it’s not succinct enough. Or, I might get bored and forget about it altogether (the more likely of the two possibilities). But let’s just amuse the strange lady and let her have her moment, shall we?

The inaugural installment of Random Misanthrope’s Go Fuck Yourself Weekly is dedicated to the junior senator from my current state (how I miss living in a Commonwealth. It sounds much more dignified.), Thom Tillis.

Thom Tillis. Think about this for a second. Thom. Thom with an h. This annoys me. This annoys me almost as much as Toms who spell their names with the letter ö. No, assholes, your names are not pronounced “Teum” so, for fuck’s sake, stop using a letter that has no place in American English. Just stop it. And to you, Senator Tillis…learn to spell. You’re making us Southerners look bad.

Once upon a time, Pa Tillis and Ma Tillis birthed a baby in Jacksonville, FL, America (see…he’s not even from here. Wait…most of us aren’t. Never mind.). Being born a white male in the United States, this lad was destined for great things and a life of marginal leisure. After frittering about at two universities (1/2 the amount of colleges attended by Sarah Palin), he managed to obtain his sheepskin at the tender age of 36. According to Wikipedia, the source of all things correct and valid, Senator Tillis’ life of public service began shortly after moving to suburban Charlotte and serving on the park board for his town (Leslie Knope or Leslie NOPE). After serving as town commissioner for two years and getting a taste of that sweet, sweet nectar that is power, Tillis set his eyes on a higher branch of government, The State House of Representatives.

Really? Who the fuck cares. The guy is our junior senator because the evil Koch brothers bought an election and threw an otherwise competent and exceedingly moderate senator out on her ass (Sorry, Kay. I tried. I really tried.).

Yesterday (see how interested I am in the body politic these days), Thom-with-an-h makes some noise news. This bastion of Conservative Values® thinks that people who work in the food service industry should be freed of the yoke of socialist oppression and have the freedom to decide whether or not to wash their own damn hands (soap optional) after throwing mud, as our Founding Fathers intended. I guess that’s reducing the stranglehold of the nanny state? But…he does feel that a sign should be posted (so, would that not be a form of…regulation????). Ultimately, Senathor Thillis feels the Frhee Marketh will remedy the situation and the businesses that don’t make their employees engage in appropriate hygiene practices will go under. That’s great, Thom. What happens in the interim when one of the poorly paid line cooks comes back from his trip to the potty with a ½ wiped ass and unclean paws and gives everyone an extra serving of E. Coli with their barbecue? Please refrain from saying the market will take care of that. It won’t. Now shut up and sit down before I make you sit in a corner or something.

So, for the man who thinks that public health is a non-issue, the man who thinks excrement the perfect flavor enhancer for any meal – all I have to say is “Congratulations for being the first in a line of an esteemed many!” or until I get bored with the concept of Random Misanthrope’s Go Fuck Yourself Weekly.

Hugs and kisses
/Kang