Well, they finally went and did it, didn’t they? After talking shit about Obamacare and making over sixty symbolic attempts to repeal it over the past seven years, the House of Representatives just barely managed to pass a huge kidney stone* called the American Health Care Act. Americans are either celebrating or shitting in their pants, literally and/or metaphorically depending on whether they have a pre-existing condition.

Unlike the abortive attempt to put forth a version of the AHCA bill back in March, this time they managed to persuade/bribe enough GOP members of Congress to vote for the bill by promising to put their pet issues in future bills. They set up the President with his favorite craft activity (calling people and pretending to make deals with them), before sending him out for a play-date at one of his rallies. Then after they put him down for his afternoon nap, they got down to the business of finally getting rid of President Obama’s signature health care law and thus his entire legacy once and for all.

And, oh yeah, replacing it.

Donald Trump once said in a TV interview that the repeal and replace plan would be a lot better than Obamacare, a lot less expensive, and that it would cover everyone. Afterward in Congress, crickets chirped for a few seconds. There was a collective gasp and repetition of, “oh my god, what the fuck did he just say” and then finally they they started pissing themselves with laughter over how precious little Donny was for saying something so unbelievably cute. Later on, he did learn that health care stuff was really, really hard, didn’t he?

Congress had been pretend-trying to repeal Obamacare ever since it was signed into law in 2010. Of course they weren’t serious about it. If they really wanted to they would have done it, but instead they kept making attempts in order to reassure their constituents that they were working, like, so hard on it. However, now the pressure was on. They had to actually do something. They weren’t really concerned with what was in the replacement plan. If they were they would have bothered to discuss it for longer than three hours. Or to have it scored. Or to read it.

One of the nicer things about Obamacare was that it made it illegal for insurance companies to charge exorbitant rates for people with pre-existing conditions. The AHCA is not concerned about providing actual health care for actual sick people, and thus it allows the insurance industry to go right back to charging the most money or even flat out denying coverage to the people who need it the most. They have also added a few interesting new pre-existing conditions to the list. There are very few people who have not suffered at least one of the many ailments listed, but nevertheless, according to the GOP we’re all scumbags. Those of us who have had or do have one of these conditions is sick because we’ve obviously made very poor lifestyle choices, and therefore we don’t deserve any treatment for being such bad people.

Those of us undeserving of health care can be denied coverage for any of the following pre-existing conditions:

AIDS/HIV, acid reflux, acne, ADD, addiction, Alzheimer’s/dementia, anemia, aneurysm, angioplasty, anorexia, anxiety, arrhythmia, arthritis, asthma, atrial fibrillation, autism, bariatric surgery, basal cell carcinoma, bipolar disorder, blood clot, breast cancer, bulimia, bypass surgery, celiac disease, cerebral aneurysm, cerebral embolism, cerebral palsy, cerebral thrombosis, cervical cancer, colon cancer, colon polyps, congestive heart failure, COPD, Crohn’s disease, cystic fibrosis, DMD, depression, diabetes, disabilities, Down syndrome, eating disorder, enlarged prostate, epilepsy, glaucoma, gout, heart disease, heart murmur, heartburn, hemophilia, hepatitis C, herpes, high cholesterol, hypertension, hysterectomy, kidney disease, kidney stones*, kidney transplant, leukemia, lung cancer, lupus, lymphoma, mental health issues, migraines, MS, muscular dystrophy, narcolepsy, nasal polyps, obesity, OCD, organ transplant, osteoporosis, pacemaker, panic disorder, paralysis, paraplegia, Parkinson’s disease, pregnancy, restless leg syndrome, schizophrenia, seasonal affective disorder, seizures, sickle cell disease, skin cancer, sleep apnea, sleep disorders, stent, stroke, thyroid issues, tooth disease, tuberculosis, ulcers.

Notice how breast cancer, cervical cancer, hysterectomy, and pregnancy are on the list and erectile dysfunction, testicular cancer, and prostate cancer aren’t? At this point, being born female is pretty much a pre-existing condition.

Okay guys, enlarged prostate is on the list, but all you have to do is wait for it to turn into cancer and then you can get it treated. How’s that for winning?