My Folded Steel Beauty

I never thought
I could love a thing
As much as I love
My folded steel beauty.

I could stare at it for hours.
Admiring the swirling patterns
Of the Damascus steel blade.
Forged and pounded
By an expert
Japanese craftsman.

And using it.
Better than sex.

I understand now
Why chefs are so attached
To their knives.
And so possessive of them.
It’s not just
Another kitchen tool.

It’s a thing of beauty.
To be loved
And cherished
And used for a lifetime.
More faithful and reliable
Than most lovers are.

Butter Rich

Did you happen to read,
In the paper today,
Of the shortage of butter,
Over in Norway?
So ill-timed and cruel,
This sad deprivation,
Leads Norwegians to look,
Outside of their nation.
They can use margarine,
As one way of faking,
The lack of real butter,
In their holiday baking.
But a butter black market,
Is what Norway’s needing.
So let’s bootleg some butter,
From butter rich Sweden.

Memorial Day Chicken Recipe

1. Get some chicken.

2. Get a grill.

3. Take chicken pieces out and place in a bowl. Pour olive oil all over the chicken and then add Old Bay Seasoning. Put your hands in the bowl and mix chicken all around making sure that the olive oil and the seasoning cover all the surfaces.

4. Heat grill and then grill the chicken till it’s done. Stick a thermometer in there so that you don’t get some kind of food poisoning.

5. Let’s recap: Chicken, grill, olive oil, Old Bay Seasoning, bowl, heat, thermometer. Done!

Fine dining my bottom

So last Friday Sharkette and I went on a date after many months of no restaurant visits. We decided to check out the restaurant at the airport that we’ve heard so much about and try their Italian-American fare. Though the interior was nice, I found several things lacking. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched one too many Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay, but some things are just so common that you should just know that you don’t do that in a restaurant.

First, if somebody orders a slice of pie for dessert, it would be nice if you told them it was frozen when they bite into it! I don’t know if it was supposed to have been served cold, or they forgot to defrost it, but Sharkette doesn’t dig ice pie.

Secondly, if you are going to be a waitress, try to look at least a little interested in your patrons. I know we might not be the most interesting people in the world, but we are paying for your tip so please show us some frakking courtesy!

Thirdly, though the adage, “if you got time to lean, you have time to clean,” is wonderful, please don’t do that when you still have diners eating! How annoying would it be if I invited you over for dinner and I vacuumed the dining room while you ate??? Seriously!

Fourthly, I know there is only an hour left before the restaurant closes, but you could you please not have the entire staff sitting at another table gabbing away??? I could hear everything they were saying, and I didn’t much care for their conversation. It’s bad enough having to listen to other diners, but I certainly don’t want to hear from the wait staff as well.

That said, the prime rib was outstanding and your fries were excellent. The bread sticks were to die for.

American Recovery Sandwich

I’ve been down and out for the last couple of days. A virus knocked me out, filled my throat with ulcers, and gave me a bad case of Montezuma’s Revenge. Needless to say I’ve not been around on Random Misanthrope.

I’m back, kind of, and I praise part of my recovery to a sandwich that I invented. I call it the American Recovery Sandwich. If you haven’t eaten anything for days and lost over five pounds to diarrhea, this sandwich is just what you need to feel better. Now I’m no nutritionist or medical professional, so I urge you to contact a professional before munching down on one of these.

Here’s what you do:

First, you will need to get a hotel steak or one of those thin steaks that are easily found in your local grocery store. If you can’t find one, just ask your butcher, these are pretty cheap cuts of meat which suits me just fine. After all, it’s an American Recovery Sandwich hahaha. Sear it up on the grill or in a cast iron skillet, and use Canadian or Montreal steak seasoning.

Secondly, take a yellow onion, slice it up into rings, and brown it up in olive oil in a skillet.

Then take a slice of whole grain bread and toast it. Smear it with horseradish cream.

Cut up the meat into thin slices and place them on the bread. Top all of it with the onions. Add a slice of cheddar cheese and put it in a microwave or an oven to melt the cheese. Sprinkle Old Bay Seasoning on top and serve with two Kosher dill spears. Bon Appétit!!!