Love (because what else is there?)

And after life had had it’s way with me,

Sometimes shaken me,

Taken me,

Shoved me around,

Worn me down,

Let me taste joy,

Made sure to show me, that joy,

Was most often fleeting,

That there were challenges,

Constant challenges to be meeting,

Sometimes losing,

Sometimes beating,

When life had dragged me to the point,

Where I could be nothing else but strong,

Where I’d seen so much pain,

That the slightest beauty made me burst into song,

When I was at the point where I could still go on,

But could not take  much more,


And only then,

Did the universe deliver you,




At my door.

Christmas in the Bone

Christmas Day
On my way to work
6:45 a.m.
The only other people
Beggars and workers
I have my giant Marshall headphones on
Listening to Marc Maron interview
Elvis Costello
But as I go
About my day, making coffee
Dealing with food and medicine
And issues
There’s an undertone
That lies in the bone
Surfacing on the 25th of the 12th
Falling down from my shelf
To heart and soul
For I’ve no control
Something I can’t deny
Even if I try
This feeling of Peace and Goodwill
Of all humankind
As one
Like Christmas day in WW1
A seasonal warning
Echoes of Scrooge
His epiphany on Christmas morning
A gladness like no other
Every person sister or brother
In this great wave of humanity
This blesséd sea
Every you and every me
Love expounded in every way
On Christmas Day.


He said he wants to take me dancing one day.
But I cannot. Not now. Maybe not ever.
My left leg bears evidence of a stupid mistake,
That has left me maimed. Crippled for life.
When I see his warm hazel eyes looking at me,
My own blue eyes seem dull and insipid.
When I see his broad shoulders,
And he holds me in his well-muscled arms,
I’m left wondering why and how,
Could such a beautiful man possibly,
Want a soft, dull cripple such as me?
And yet, he loves me more than anyone ever has.
Makes love to me like an uncaged beast.
I want to be the woman he deserves.
The most beautiful woman on earth.
Maybe that’s what he thinks I already am,
But I can’t help but feel unworthy.
I keep waiting for the spell to wear off.
That one day he’ll wake up and suddenly notice,
The beautiful desirable woman he used to love,
Has been replaced by me.

Full Filled

By now I’m sure that you have heard,
I’ve got a certain way with words.
But these sensations. These emotions,
Can just be felt, but never spoken.
Such words as love and joy and bliss.
They do come close, but still they miss.
That space you filled inside my heart,
With just the right-sized missing part.
That feeling cannot be proclaimed.
It’s far too big to have a name.


Wanting it to work
Hoping it will work
Trying to make it work
Longing for it to work
Before realizing
It’s not supposed to BE work.
Not like this at any rate.
Not in a way that leaves me waiting
For the good part to come
For the joy to reveal itself
Having to heal myself
From missunderstandings and accusations
Red herrings
False expectations.
I’m supposed to feel that joy
Even in the harder moments.
It’s meant to infuse and define
The entire process
Leaving me feeling more
Not less.
I’ll confess to the part that’s mine
It’s taken far too much time
For me to learn what life’s been teaching
I’ve actually been over-reaching
In attempts to deal with holes to fill
Thinking every hole an ill
Not being able to clearly see
That the holes are those that define me
And if I want to take command
I need to understand more of my own map
Not search for solutions in another’s lap
And when others come into my sight
I must resist with all my might
The urge to be someone’s white knight
Or someone’s dark horse, unpolished diamond
Not a sight on someone’s distant horizon
Need to understand there’s more for me
To wait for someone to adore me
Someone whom I adore in turn
Who’s there to share not make me learn
Their lessons unnaturally
But someone who fits comfortably
Where I don’t wait for joy revealed
Where there’s so much joy it can’t be concealed
Where the love feels like a blessed gift
And even the work gives me a lift
Where stumbling’s accepted, not judged
Not critized and begrudged
We all make mistakes
I need someone who takes
Those things in stride
Not a force to be defied
But whose eyes light up
In love and kindness
Where each day serves to remind us
That we are better off together
And whether that will come along
I can’t be sure
But a love that pure
Is the only one worth taking
Till then
I’ll be making my own way
Living my life day to day
And being finally able to say,
Without a doubt to linger at
I’m actually okay with that.