This week in the journals of GFY, Stupidity On Parade!
Okay, that’s not unusual, there is a lot of stupidity around, and we do like to parade it, but this one still feels like it is in a league all its own.
On February 23, in this year of Cthulhu 2015, Mr.Vito Barbieri, a republican representative in the Idaho legislature (no I can’t bring myself to spell republican with an upper-case R, sue me) raised a serious question during discussion of an abortion bill. He was questioning Dr. Julie Madsen.
The bill in question would ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing drugs via video conference, or phone call, thus limiting access to abortion for women in outlying areas. Dr.Madsen was explaining how remote cameras can work in situations such as a colonoscopy, where one would swallow a capsule with a tiny camera that can be operated remotely. This makes sense, because there is actually a connection between the mouth and the colon. It was then that good old VB asked his stunning question, which he later tried to explain away as being rhethorical. He asked Dr.Madsen if the same method could be used for pregnancies. Here is the exact exchange, because you can’t make this stuff up:
Barbieri: “You mentioned the risk of colonoscopy , can that be done by drugs?”
Dr. Julie Madsen: “It cannot be done by drugs. It can, however, be done remotely where you swallow a pill and this pill has a little camera, and it makes its way through your intestines and those images are uploaded to a doctor who’s often thousands of miles away, who then interprets that.”
Barbieri: “Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?”
Madsen: “It cannot be done in pregnancy, simply because when you swallow a pill, it would not end up in the vagina.” (Hoots of laughter from the audience)
Barbieri: “Fascinating. That certainly makes sense, doctor.”
His attempt to explain the question away as being rhethorical is hilarious, simply because it is not based in any reality whatsoever. He might as well have asked if it were possible to recruit tiny green spacemen like they have in old Twilight Zone episodes and let them do gynecological exams.
The whole affair raises a slew of questions for me. I have to wonder if Mr.Barbieri believes you can get pregnant by swallowing semen. If that were the case one of the few tried and true birth control methods would be thrown out the window, and all those people who have t-shirts reading “I could have had a brother, but mom swallowed” would have to burn them since they would be meaningless. Although it might open up new possibilities for smuggling, and finally provide a scientific basis for the Linda Lovelace phenomenon, that is to say the plotline in the infamous Deep Throat movie. The storyline goes that her clitoris is located in her throat. In fact, perhaps that’s the sort of resource Mr.Barbieri has used to gather his unique spin on anatomical information.
If there was a direct line from mouth to vagina, I wonder where he thinks the food would go when women eat? No doubt he has an explanation for that as well, and is probably ready to propose legislation for larger feminine protection products in order to help women with the food overflow, since he is so concerned for them and has his finger on the pulse. He’s not sure exactly where the pulse is, but his finger is there.
Of course if there is a direct line from mouth to vagina, there must be a direct line the other way as well, and that conjures up pictures to disturbing to even consider.
But not to worry, there is no act of anatomical terrorism that legislation can’t deal with, though even as I write that I hesitate slightly, should “anatomical terrorism” actually become a concept. One never knows anymore. Hunter S. Thompson used to say when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. He also said, in a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity. If so, Mr. Barbieri you are a special kind of sinner, a sinner in a league all your own. I take special joy in telling you to GFY, because I realize you might actually try.
(Incidentally, when looking Mr.Vito Barbieri up online, I found there is another Mr.Vito Barbieri who is apparently a doctor in Italy. Given the potential affect on his career should anyone attribute Mr.VB’s inane anatomical quote to Dr.VB, I think he should consider a major lawsuit for potential slander and damage. I’ll have my attornies draft a letter to his attornies, with proper references, because no doubt they’ll just think it is a joke at first.)