Here I was in my nice little suburban hell, thinking all was right with the world. Soccer moms in gigantic SUVs trucking around their overprivileged kids, smug Republican dads forwarding racist anti-Obama emails, illegals blowing leaves. Then, out of nowhere, I run a cross some caped fucktardian on the internet inconveniencing electrons with their infantile rants. Yeah, I bet you think you’re so fucking awesome with your Swedish car, speaking all kinds of foreign languages no one gives a shit about and getting all worked up about how everyone sucks except you. Oh, Republicans are stupid, huh? The health care system is fucked up? You have some kind of deep thoughts to share with us? News flash Jack Handey, you’re not that special. Everyone’s got a fucking blog these days. Hell, I’M a suburbanite with a blog who rants about Republicans, health care and stupid people, all while sharing deep insights to the human condition that I observe while speaking to foreigners and driving around in my Saab.
New Year’s Day – wee hours of 01 January 1989 – Philadelphia, PA
Having been relieved of our babysitting duties unusually early for the night and knowing that our parents were not expecting us until the follow morning, my galpal *Brie and I decided to go into town to see what sort of hell we could raise. Aside from sucking face in the back seat of the car with two very drunken, hot male students from Penn (drenched in the aroma of Drakkar) who were waiting for the Mummers Parade, my best memory would be the soundtrack. The soundtrack of a perfect night. Rosalita by Bruce Springsteen. Houndog by Elvis. Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi.
Also included in the mix was one of the best R & B bands of our generation. That’s right. New Kids On The Block.
The first time I heard “Right Stuff” my world was rocked. And it wasn’t rocked by the tongue of a stranger stuffed down my throat. It was rocked by the BEAT.
Oft overshadowed by the contributions from Seattle in the 1990s, Boston was cranking out some serious shit in the 1980s. Some of the unsung heroes of the time are Mission of Burma, Dinosaur Jr and The Pixies. For the R & B inclined, New Edition was the gold standard. Alas, what Beach Music did to Motown, New Kids On The Block did to New Edition. Those white boys showed Bobby Brown and company what true R & B was all about.
For those of you unaware, New Kids On The Block was formed by Maurice Starr who took George Martin’s stewardship of The Beatles to its logical conclusion. Starr had a vision of taking five talentless hoodlums destined for a life of petty crime and/or musical theater and turning them into the Greatest R & B Act of All Time.
Although their early releases were unappreciated by the connoisseurs of Top 40 radio, they served as the building blocks for a career that would make The Jackson 5 sound almost as solid as The Osmonds. Starr and company struggled with finding the perfect hit to unleash their greatness on the world but once “You Got It (The Right Stuff)” debuted on the airwaves, the world was transformed.
In early 1989, the magnum opus that is “Hangin’ Tough” became an anthem for young America. Gone were the days of listening to hip-hop and old skool rap. New Kids On The Block captivated mall and arena audiences throughout America, dethroning the Queen of the Malls, Tiffany, and raking in trillions of dollars in revenue from poster sales to the tweenage girl demographic.
The NKOTB catalogue is as solid as it is stellar. Throughout their career, NKOTB released an astonishing 19 singles from eight compact discs. Of the 19 singles, three of the songs took their rightful place at the pinnacle of the pop charts.
Musical greatness aside, NKOTB busted down doors for scores of oppressed white boys throughout America. Had it not been for the brilliance of Starr and the temerity of these rapscallions, the music industry would have ultimately been denied extraordinary acts such as Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync and 98 Degrees. A world without Justin Timberlake is a world not worth living in.
I could wax philosophic about the contributions of NKOTB, the boy band era and Starr for ages. Rather than sully their collective magic with my simple prose, I shall let the music speak for itself.
In order to keep the poetry coming this holiday weekend, I’ll post this classic from Little Richard. I first heard this recited by Steve Allen, in a melding of the music and poetry worlds years before Bob Dylan.
A-bop-bop-a-loom-op a-lop-bop-boom
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
A-bop-bop-a-loom-op a-lop-bop-boom
I’ve got a gal, named Sue
She know just what to do
I got a gal, named Sue
She knows just what to do
She rocks to the east
She rolls to the west
She’s the gal that I love best
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
A-bop-bop-a-loom-op a-lop-bop-boom
I’ve got a gal, named Daisy
She almost drives me crazy
I’ve got a gal, named Daisy
She almost drives me crazy
She knows how to love me
Yes indeed, boy you don’t know
What she’s doin’ to me
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
A-bop-bop-a-loom-op a-lop-bop-boom
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
A-bop-bop-a-loom-op a-lop-bop-boom
I’ve got a gal named Daisy
She almost drives me crazy
I’ve got a gal, named Daisy
She almost drives me crazy
She knows how to love me
Yes indeed, boy you don’t know
What she’s doin’ to me
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
Tutti frutti, oh rudy
A-bop-bop-a-loom-op a-lop-bop-boom
I’ve read several articles on the phenomenon that power or money, or both, usually attracts beautiful women. Very rarely do you see a successful man being surrounded by a troll for a wife. Now I can’t speak for whether or not a powerful homosexual male would be surrounded by an attractive male, because I’ve never really thought about it. Perhaps my friend Paulo can elaborate if this phenomenon correlates to the gay community as well.
Anyhow, some social scientists say it is evolutionary that women are attracted to males that have power, which usually means that they have money as well, because it demonstrates that they can afford resources to provide for the woman and her offspring. That is a very animal way of looking at things, but in a way I can understand that. If a woman desires to have children, she wants them to have the best access to resources available, and a strong, powerful and successful male will be able to give her that.
If you look at some powerful politicians, how many sex scandals are they not involved in, usually involving beautiful young women? Look at the Prime Minister of Italy, or Eliot Spitzer, et cetera. I think power can also make you attractive. If you take Prince William and Prince Harry, honestly, and just take away the fact that they are royalty, and just have them be regular Joes, they are really not that attractive. At least in my opinion, but what do I know? But add the royalty, the money, the fame, and they could probably have any women in the world that they so desired. Of course I’m being simplistic in my reasoning, but you get the gist of what I’m saying.
For added emphasis, take a look at the First Ladies of Spain and France, aren’t they lovely?
Today’s word is one of the few Swedish words that has been incorporated into the English language. I’ve chosen to use the original Swedish spelling, but of course the English spelling leaves out the Swedish vowels ö and å. One of the hardest aspects of learning Swedish is learning how to pronounce these vowels properly.
The word smörgåsbord is a compound noun, which are commonplace in Swedish but rare in English. It’s comprised of the words smörgås (sandwich) and bord (table) so the word translated literally into English is “a table of sandwiches.” In reality, it’s usually much more than that. The dictionary defines smörgåsbord as “a buffet meal of various hot and cold hors d’oeuvres, salads, casserole dishes, meats, cheeses, etc.”
I’ve always thought of a smörgåsbord as a variety of different dishes that don’t necessarily go together. That’s probably because years ago when I was staying with my grandmother, I remember she would say “Let’s have a smörgåsbord lunch.” This meant we would have a buffet of whatever leftovers that happened to be in the fridge. This could be spaghetti, beef stew, Greek salad and pineapple rings.
The word smörgåsbord also has a more figurative meaning, as an extensive array or variety.
For example:
During my last flight to the United States I was subjected to smörgåsbord of problems, everything from lost luggage to frozen toilet water.
Of course in the above example, I’m using the word ‘everything’ metaphorically.
Right now I feel as though,
I accidently did swallow,
Something definitely prickly.
For I’m feeling rather sickly.
Like perhaps a porcupine,
Living in a blackberry vine.
Though the chances are remote,
That could be what’s in my throat.
Random Misanthrope 