WOTD: needs

Today’s word is one of those words that has multiple linguistic functions.

It could be an adverb that is defined as, “of necessity, usually preceded by the word must.”

For example: “It must needs be so.” Which to me sounds very Shakespearean or even biblical.

It could also be a transitive verb, which is a verb that requires both a subject and an object:

“She needs money.”

Or indeed, it could be a plural noun described as what is required or needed:

“What are the needs of third world countries?”

Okay, that’s enough boring grammar stuff. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the “(Your first name here) needs…” game, and some of you might have done yours and posted it on Facebook. The instructions are very simple. All you need to do is go to Google or any search engine of your choice and type in your first name plus the word “needs” in the search field. Then press enter and write down the first ten hits you get, no matter how weird or stupid they are.

I’ll go first:

1. Gwen NEEDS to sign! (Sign what, I’m not really sure but it’s REALLY important that I sign it.)

2. Gwen needs to get Palin back on topic. (As long as it’s Michael Palin.)

3. Gwen needs to step down. (Difficult as I have a phobia of walking down stairs.)

4. Gwen needs no helmet…Ba! (For I am invulnerable…)

5. Gwen needs 5 man strat run. (Um…actually I need a nerd to explain this one as it’s related to WoW.)

6. Gwen needs to fire herself as her stylist. (If I do then does this mean I’ll have to pay unemployment benefits to myself?)

7. Gwen needs a doctor. (Preferably a rich well-built single doctor.)

8. Gwen needs an apartment. (I’m house broken. Can’t say the same for my 25 cats.)

9. Gwen needs to chill out a little. (Yeah, right. Chill this out, bitches!)

10. Gwen needs a hero. (He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight…)

WOTD: cinnamon, according to the Urban Dictionary

I love the Urban Dictionary. I fucking love it. Type in even the most mundane word you can think of and it will produce several surprising “definitions” you never would have thought of in a million years. I typed in the word cinnamon because I was looking at the furry lump lying on the bed that’s named Cinnamon. There’s no way this word is going to be in there, I thought. Boy, was I wrong.

There are actually seven definitions for the word cinnamon. The first one is my favorite:

1. Cinnamon is something difficult to say when drunk.

These are also difficult to say when drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Nope, no more beer for me….

Cinnanannomm …..Cinomon …Ciniman …uhhh!i give up, gimme another beer!

I also really love the third definition:

3. The equivalent to a ginger, just more attractive and usually has a soul. Commonly found in the North Eastern part of the United States and Western Canada. Freckles are prominent and usually in large numbers. Some cinnamons are found wearing obscene clothing, beware. Large families are usually together in one area of the country of this breed.

Differences between the two are skin tones, which are usually a shade darker than most gingers and the cinnamons are more aesthetically pleasing,

“Yo man, did you see that slamming ginger over there with her tits hanging out?!”

“Yeah I did man but that’s no ginger! It’s a cinnamon! You don’t find banging gingers anywhere these days!”

Apparently, cinnamon also means roughly same thing as cherry (not the sexual meaning):

4.excellent, very good
Dude, you’re [sic]Jedi cloak is so cinnamon. I wish I had one.

Photobucket
Cinnamon the cat approves of this post.

Stay tuned…

WOTD: as hot/cold/dumb/nervous/useless as…

I have a fondness for those colorful metaphors that are often Southern American in origin. In fact at one point I was even thinking of compiling a book of them, but there are countless pages on the internet that list them. Some of my favorites include:

As nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
As dumb as a bag of rocks. (I use this one often to describe my cat.)
As useless as tits on a bull.

Of course there are hundreds more, and some of them have been around so long the original meaning has become obscured over time. Thusly:

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.
He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

See what I mean? Each one of those produces a rather bewildered “huh?”

“Thick as a whale omelette.” is something I heard the Prince Regent character say in the Blackadder III series. I like it but most Americans don’t know that “thick” is British slang for stupid.

One I made up and use when I’m about to depart is “Well, I’m off like a whore’s panties.”

Bye for now…

These Allergies!

These allergies! These allergies!
All I do is sneeze and sneeze.
And cough and itch and loudly wheeze.
For some relief I’m begging, please!

I’ve seen the doctor and received,
Some medicine and I believed,
That very soon I’d feel relieved.
Alas, I think I’ve been deceived.

These pills don’t seem to do a thing.
My eyes and nose are still running.
I’m still coughing and still sneezing,
Still itching and still wheezing.

They make me feel so drowsy,
That I’m stumbling and clumsy.
But I’m so stoned and woozy
That forget I’m feeling lousy.

So, for some relief I’m begging, please!
From these allergies! These allergies!
All I do is cough and wheeze,
And…
Wait..I feel another sneeze.

WOTD: pundit, and other loaned words…

The English language is one of the largest languages in the world. Not only is it one of the most commonly learned languages both as a first and second language, it also has an extraordinarily large amount of words. One of the reasons for this is the amount of loaned words (aka loanwords) from other languages. The word smörgåsbord (discussed in a previous post) is an example of a word borrowed from the Swedish language. According to the Oxford Dictionaries website:

The Second Edition of the 20-volume  Oxford English Dictionary contains full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words. To this may be added around 9,500 derivative words included as subentries.

That adds up to over 230,000 words, which is huge compared to the number of words in, say, the Swedish language. (Estimated to be around 40,000) Learning English, particularly as a second language, is a monumental undertaking.

Other words loaned from Swedish include: moped, ombudsman, gauntlet and tungsten.

One might be surprised to learn that the word pundit is loaned from the Hindi language. While we think of a pundit as a kind of pompous talking head on the Fox network, the original Hindi word pandit means “learned scholar or priest.” Bill O’Reilly is good example of a pundit, although I don’t think he’s particularly scholarly nor very priestly.

Here are a few other loanwords of interest:

From Arabic: admiral, alcohol, coffee, guitar, lemon, magazine, sofa

From Chinese: ketchup

From Czech: robot, pistol

From Dutch: bazooka, aloof, bluff, coleslaw, cookie, golf, landscape

From French: abandon, bastard, and calorie to name a few. There are approximately 80,000 words of French origin in the English language due to a minor incident that occurred in the year 1066 near the town of Hastings.

From Hebrew: behemoth, canister, jubilee.

From Italian: balcony, figurine

From Turkish: balaclava, lackey, vampire

From Welsh: flummery (the pudding, that is)

Of course there are many (ten of thousands) more, but I think this is a good sample.

Bye for now.

…parenting ruins everything

I did make an unrealistic promise to myself when I started writing again.  I promised my bad self that I wouldn’t make this a mommy blog.  I find myself unable to keep that promise so I can only say that I will limit the mommy jabber as best as possible.

Early this morning, my FecesBook feed was filled with comments about a little girl named Skylar who lives in my old stomping grounds.  Within less than a day, the little girl went from playing outside to being abducted and murdered.  As a rule, I would find this incredibly upsetting.  Being a parent only magnifies the horror and pain.

One of the more peculiar aspects of parenting that I have found is how dramatically your frame of reference is altered and how much more profoundly you feel things.  It’s as if the little baby takes all of your ambivalence with him/her when he/she leaves the womb.  You’re left with nothing but a bundle of raw nerves and feelings.

I have always been an extreme worrier – so much so that I end up physically ill.  It has been said that I’m Worst Case Scenario girl.  I will envision the absolute worst outcome of any situation and plan backwards to prevent it from happening.  It’s a great talent and wonderful ability, if you’re my employer.  It’s tedious and exhausting if you have to live with me.

My propensity for constant worrying has been changed since Milkface was born.  There are certain things that I can flippantly dismiss with the wave of a hand – things which I would agonize over before Milky.  Then there are new issues which are so considerably troubling that I become paralyzed with fear.

I could very well say the same about sadness.  That which would reduce me to tears in my previous life seems mostly irrelevant.  Show me a child that has been mistreated, a parent who is grieving or the impact of illness on a family and I’m a blubbering, non-functioning mess.  Outside of the terrible two-tantrum, watching my own child cry is something I cannot bear.  I consider myself very fortunate that our experiences, thus far, have been easily solved by a snuggle, hug and a kiss.  Let’s hope it stays that way.

On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, parenting has brought me joy unlike anything I have ever experienced.  There is no better sound in the world than the genuine belly laugh of a pleased toddler.  No psychotropic medication can elevate your spirits quite like the smile of a child.  Nothing makes you feel as if your troubles have melted away quite like a hug and drooly kiss.

For someone who has spent the past eleven or so years carefully analyzing every emotion, every response – the dramatic shift in outlook is mindboggling.  I had long thought that I was hypersensitive.  I had long tried to manage that.  Now that I’m a parent, I realize it’s all go-with-the-flow.  If you’re blessed with a child, the intensity of feelings defies description.  You shift from pessimist to optimist at the drop of a hat.  You fear things you previously thought impossible.  You fall in love a million times a day.

WOTD: balaclava and other confusing words…

For some reason our British cousins have adopted this word, which according to Bill Bryson (author and keen observer of all things British from an American perspective), is a “truly bad word.” The American term is the decidedly less poetic but much clearer ski mask. Its “badness” lies in the fact that it really doesn’t sound like what it is:

“[It] could be almost anything – an obscure root vegetable, a type of geological formation peculiar to the Tibetian steppe, the basic unit of currenty in Albania, the sound of a large load of rocks coming out of the back of a dump truck, almost anything at all. It certainly doesn’t sound like something you would want to put on your head. No, the word you want for a kind of pull-down hat is haggis.”
Excerpt from I’m a Stranger Here Myself

He then goes on to explain that “haggis” has a warm and furry sound to it and that it doesn’t sound at all like a food. Furthermore, anyone who has ever tried it will attest that it doesn’t taste much like a food either.

This got me thinking about how many other words there are in the English language that don’t sound at all like what they are, and how confusing this can be for learners of it as a second language.

For example, why do we drive on the parkway, and park in the driveway?

Why do we say we’re getting ON or OFF the bus/train/plane when we’re really getting IN or OUT of it?

A pineapple is nothing like a pine nor like an apple. It doesn’t even come from a pine tree. How the hell did it get named that? And what about a grapefruit?

I’m sure there are many examples of weird words in Swedish as well, and the one I can think of at the moment is smörgås (sandwich) which translated literally into English means “butter goose.”

Finally, and with apologies for the indelicacy of the following language, why do we say we’re taking a shit when we’re actually LEAVING it?

Feel free to post your own examples of weird or inaccurate words in comments. Until next time…