Author Archives: Miss Kitten

Burn the Goat

How long will you survive this year?

How long will you survive this year?

In a Swedish town ’round Christmas time,
There’s usually a most heinous crime,
Involving a gigantic decoration,
Going up in a massive conflagration.
A forty-foot goat made of out straw.
The biggest straw goat you ever saw.
It’s magnificent, this huge straw animal.
Though it’s also irresistibly flammable.
As soon as they’re done erecting it,
That’s when they start protecting it,
After setting it up so neat and nice.
From becoming the next goat sacrifice,
But most of the time, it’s all in vain.
Someone still manages to set it aflame.
Most years it burns right to the ground,
To the delight or the horror of the town.
As for me, I’m just happy either way,
If it burns or lives to see another day.
So come one and all, put on your coat.
Let’s get out there and burn the goat!

Rose-Colored History

Our times we like to criticize,
And tend to view with wistful eyes,
Those times, before modernity,
Before the twentieth century.
It was a simpler time for sure,
But so much harder to endure.
Things hadn’t been invented yet.
Like toothpaste and deodorant.
And if a disease didn’t kill you,
The standard medicine was sure to.
With all the flaws of modern life,
The class divide and daily strife,
The truth is that politically,
And racially, gastronomically,
Hygienically, financially,
Technologically, and medically,
With what we have today, my friend,
We’re better off than way back then.

Falling Evil

It almost sounds kind of cool, doesn’t it?
That’s what they used to call epilepsy.
Also the Falling Sickness or Disease.
But Falling Evil is my favorite.
It’s so irrational, so Dark Ages.
To the unreasonable and unprepared,
It must have looked suspiciously,
Like one was possessed by the devil.
As soon as the poor bewildered fallen one,
Recovers from her seizure,
She is seized upon again by an angry mob,
Shouting, “Burn the Witch!”
Survival of the Fittest for humans,
Hastened by superstitious paranoia.

Yule Pride


‘Tis the Season of the holiday lights contest.
Of which house’s display is the biggest and best.
As expected as kids writing Santa a letter.
The more overdone and obnoxious the better.
With proportion gone comic, figures animatronic.
Clark Griswold’s display but gone mad, supersonic.
Like turkey deep fried and all things bacon covered,
What could be American than outdoing each other?

A Major Award

It’s indescribably beautiful!

T’was the middle of dinner,
And all round the table,
We heard someone knocking,
Someone quite irritable.

“What is it?” said the Old Man,
To the man with a pen,
“I dunno,” And he shrugged,
When my dad asked again.

“Fra Gee Lay,” said the Old Man,
That’s what it says here.
Why, I think this thing,
Might be Italian, my dear!”

Mom said, “It says Fragile.”
Dad said, “I can’t wait!
Get the hammer and crowbar,
Let’s open this crate!”

But just what was inside it,
We still weren’t aware.
“My god!” said my dad,
Anything could be there!”

Then at last, it appeared.
In a high heel and fish nets,
A statue? No…a lamp!
It’s electrical sex!

“Oh, what a great lamp!”
Said the Old Man with pride.
“In our window this goes,
So I can see it outside!”

And to our front window,
All attention was drawn.
Our whole neighborhood,
Was dazzled, turned on.

But my mother was horrified.
And hiding her face,
From that godawful lamp.
That plastic disgrace.

She had plans for that lamp,
Source of marital strife.
For the ugliest lamp,
Ever seen in her life.

But the Old Man’s eyes boggled!
It was clear he adored,
His indescribably beautiful,
Major Award!

 

 

Pieces of Paper: How to be Unemployed in Sweden

I’ve already posted one or two poems about bureaucracy in Sweden, which were inspired by the process I’ve been undergoing since losing my job a few months ago. Well, I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t gotten there yet but things are definitely getting brighter.

It’s important to keep in mind that this a country obsessed with paperwork, and I literally mean paper that one writes on with a pen. Occasionally, one encounters an “online form,” but it’s the kind that one fills in online, then prints out, signs, puts into an envelope and then into a mailbox, which defeats the whole purpose of filling in the form online.

Allow me to familiarize you with the process of getting employment benefits, and how many Pieces of Paper are involved. On the first day I was officially unemployed I went to the employment office with an Employer Certificate (piece of paper #1) from my former employer, where I registered myself as unemployed and seeking work. They gave me something they call a Treatment Plan (piece of paper #2) which is a list of mostly useless suggestions for how to get a job. They then notified my unemployment agency, which sent me an application form (piece of paper #3) to fill in.

The unemployment agency advised me to register for their online service, as it somewhat streamlines the process of getting the money. Kudos to them as it does actually work pretty well. However, you’d think they could email me my password like everyone else does, but apparently this had to be sent by paper mail (piece of paper #4) so I spent a few days waiting for it to arrive.

Before the unemployment agency could make a decision, I had to submit a Cash Card detailing the days and hours I actually worked and the same for which I was unemployed. Miraculously, this is actually a form that one fills in and submits online. Therefore it’s technically not a piece of paper, though it would have been in the past, hence the old-fashioned name of Cash Card. At least they’ve managed to bring this part of process into the 21st century.

At one point I sent them a message asking if I could just scan and email documents to them since I figured this could save both paper and time. They responded that they needed paper copies. I guess they can only be sure of the authenticity of a document if they have a physical paper copy, since we all know how difficult it is to fake paper documents.

Anyway, I sent them the application, along with copies of the Employer Certificate and Treatment Plan. I got my password in the mail, and filled in and submitted the online Cash Card. A few days later I got my Decision Letter (piece of paper #5) in the mail informing me that I’ve been processed and approved to receive benefits. I just needed to contact the bank that pays out the money and let them know where to send it. As it turns out the bank that does this is my bank, so they said the money should just show up in my account. Sweet.

But wait there’s more…

When I found out how much they’re actually giving me, I thought the amount seemed rather low. Employment is supposed to be 80% of your original salary, so I did some checking and discovered that the unemployment agency has an income cap of about $2,800 per month, which means they’ll pay benefits for up to that amount. It doesn’t matter if you made $2,000 or $10,000 per month, the amount is the same. Furthermore, they’ll give you only 80% of that amount, so if you receive the maximum amount of benefits we’re talking only $2,200 gross. On top of that, they deduct 30% for taxes, which would leave you with $1,550 net.

That’s where income insurance comes in, which I got through the Teacher’s Union. Since the amount that unemployment actually pays out is so pitifully low, my income insurance will pay the remainder of the 80% of my original salary, and that amount will be tax free. I spoke to them on the phone and they said they’d send me an application form (piece of paper #6) and which I’ll fill in and send back to them, along with a copy of my Decision Letter.

Joyful, isn’t it? I’ve now gone all the way through the unemployment process but have just begun the insurance process. Also, my situation is a little more complicated due to the fact that I’m taking a Swedish course. Normally, you’re not qualified to receive benefits while studying, but as long as it’s part time (less than 50%) you can still get unemployment. It just requires more Forms, Certificates, and Pieces of Paper.