Being Drunk in Sweden

As a regular user of the City of Gothenburg’s signature trams, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing drunk people. Actually, drunk is really too weak an adjective to describe the condition of some of them. It needs help from a few verbs. Stumbling, slurring, slobbering, shit-faced drunk is more like it. This kind of drunken spectacle is seen regularly on the trams, but for some reason it’s less common on buses. I don’t recall ever seeing a loud, obnoxious and obviously drunk person on a bus. Apart from the so-called night bus that is, which should really be called the take-you-home-when-you’re-wasted-off-your-ass bus.

While I’m used to seeing drunks on the tram, I still find myself wondering what the hell is the deal with them. Have they no shame? Isn’t it illegal to be that drunk in public in Sweden? I know that to be drunk in public to that extent is completely illegal in the U.S.

Maybe this is why the Swedish government insists on the necessity of Systembolaget (Sweden’s infamous alcohol retail monopoly), as well as producing those anti-alcohol propaganda commercials that always air right after a commercial for some boozy product like Captain Morgan’s “Get a little Captain in you” Spiced Gold Rum (highly recommended, by the way…). The government claims that Systembolaget is essential because a number of highly biased studies have shown that it does regulate and restrict the amount of alcohol that one may purchase and consume, and thus it reduces instances of public drunkenness. Its limited hours are indeed very effective in limiting the amount of booze one may purchase. If you want to buy a bottle of wine or some regular beer after 2pm on Saturday then you are, as the saying goes, shit out of luck for the remainder of the weekend.

However, most people find various ways of working around the “system.” One can take one of the “booze cruise” ferries from Helsingborg or any other port that heads to Denmark or Germany. In fact, I’m planning on doing just that during Easter weekend. As soon as the boat exits Swedish waters, you are free to purchase cases of beer and large one-liter size bottles of liquor, both of which are unavailable at Systembolaget. I suppose the government just can’t allow the average Swedish resident to have access to that much booze. Naturally, we’d be powerless to prevent ourselves from consuming the entire liter bottle and all 24 cans of beer all at once. Because, you know, we’re stupid and the government is smart and knows what’s best for us.

And anyway, one can always go to a bar. For a country that really doesn’t want its citizens to get drunk, it sure does contain an awful lot of bars. Systembolaget closes its doors at the pitifully early hour of 6pm on Friday evening, and after that time every single bar in every single Swedish city is dispensing mass quantities of Swedish lager to just about every single Swede of legal drinking age.

Then a number of those people end up staggering onto some form of public transport to make their way home after their Friday night piss-up. And then people like me end up writing blog posts about them.

That is, if I’m not actually included in their numbers. *hic*

Swedish Police priorities

It seems that hardly a day goes by in Sweden that I don’t read about some woman being sexually assaulted, masked men with axes rob a bank, or there is a gang shooting.  Growing up in Sweden I’m sure that we had crimes, but it seems to me that there are more crimes now than there used to be.  Maybe that’s just me idealizing my carefree childhood, but still, times are changing.  Common sense would dictate that a Rudolph Giuliani-style crime crackdown would be in order:  prioritize catching the bad guys and getting them off the streets.  But no, it seems Swedish cops are way too busy trying to catch speeders, do DUI enforcement, or even dancing!

Granted, all those things are important, but enforcing a winter tire law!!!  WTF?

What the hell is a Winter Tire Law, you ask?  Well, in Sweden between 16 April och 30 September, you are mandated to drive with summer tires, and the rest of the time, during the winter, you are supposed to drive with winter tires.  Apparently this is a big thing in Sweden and the police are out in force making sure that Swedish drivers are in compliance or they will face a 500 SEK fine (approximately $80 USD dollars, 2011).  When I moved to Sweden for grad school, I didn’t even know that there were separate tires for winter driving and summer driving.  I had never heard of anybody in the United States changing their tires with the seasons.  Well, except my old college roommate who lives in Ohio, but he’s German, so does that count?  Anyhow, I’m glad that Swedish Police have their priorities, just give them some savory tarts and they will get right on it…  solving trombone capers.

Staedtler Integrity 9505 Mechanical Pencil 0.5mm Lead

I’m a pretty easy-going fellow, I don’t obsess about things and I’m quite modest…  Just ask my wife.  All things considered, I do have some standards when it comes to writing instruments however.  For example, if you are looking for a cheap, unpretentious pen, you can do no wrong with a ubiquitous Mont Blanc Meisterstück.

Whenever I look for fine writing instruments, I prefer to buy pens and pencils made in either Germany or Japan.  The attention to detail and excellent manufacturing mechanisms in place in those two countries mean that you get a superior product every time.  When you buy a pencil from a German company, manufactured in Japan, it’s pretty much guaranteed that writing bliss is only moments away:  the Staedtler Integrity 9505 mechanical pencil is a case in point.

Now Dave on his blog, Dave’s Mechanical Pencils, did not give the Staedtler high marks, much in part because he had a breakage factor.  He did however write up a very thorough review, so I’m not going to elaborate on this pencil by doing my own.  But, I will mention that during my own testing I had very few breakage issues, less so than with other pencils, so I guess it all depends upon how you prefer to write.  My touch is light as a feather.  Until next time my friends…

Word of the Day: oxymoron

Today’s word is one of my favorite words in the English language. An oxymoron is not a stupid person (or a stupid ox), but a rhetorical device in which the words that make it up are expressed in a seemingly incongruous or contradictory manner. This is sometimes done deliberately for dramatic effect, i.e.: gentle violence.

The oxymoron can be used for dramatic or ironic emphasis and thus it is often found in poetry, such as in Lewis Carroll’s “The Walrus and the Carpenter”:

The sun was shining on the sea.
Shining with all his might.
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright.
And this was odd because it was
The middle of the night.

The reader knows that it doesn’t make any sense for the sun to be shining brightly with all his might in the middle of the night, and that’s why this opening stanza is so effective. That and Carroll’s over all poetic brilliance, of course.

There are many different types of oxymorons and Wikipedia does a good job of explaining what they are.  I particularly enjoy the inadvertent oxymorons, which are basically rhetorical mistakes people have made in speech or writing, and they didn’t even realize what they just said or wrote. Examples include:

original copy
extremely average
definite possibility
objective opinion

Some of the above examples have been used so often that one might not even be aware that they don’t actually make any rhetorical sense.

Bye for now.

Making a custom pencil case

I love pencils.  And I love pens.  Let’s just say that I love all methods of putting words to paper, or perhaps words to screen, if you will.  Needing something new to carry my pencils around in, I decided to construct my own Miss Kitten-inspired, custom pencil case from things around me.  I’m a big proponent of the “Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle” movement.

Here’s what you will need:

  • Some thin cardboard
  • Packing tape
  • Scissors

Cut the cardboard to the desired length, wrap some packing tape around it, sealing one end, and you are good to go!  Not complicated at all…  Enjoy the photos.

The morning routine

Apart from the usual waking up, shit, shower and shave routine, I do love a cup of Sunny D, a Hot Pocket, and a morning paper.  Yeah, Sunny D isn’t really orange juice, but you get your 100% daily dose of Vitamin C, along with your high fructose corn syrup.   What’s not to like?  The Hot Pocket is a wonderful, portable meal that ties you over nicely till lunch time.  As for the morning paper, I get the local rag at work and since my favorite newspapers: The New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, The Wall Street Journal, The Financial Times, etc., don’t home deliver to Central Illinois, I’m stuck with going to the local newspaper stand for my fix.  I wish I could do a subscription, not only would it save money, but it would be nice to wake up to a paper every morning.  I suppose I could do mail order, but that would mean I would get the paper one or two days behind all the time.  What’s the fun in that?  Anyhow, what is your morning routine?

Hot Pocket, Sunny D, Newspaper

…instant messaging can suck it

Many, many things irritate me.  One of my bigger bugbears is being interrupted at work. I realize people have questions and I realize that I’m the one with the lack of patience.  I fully accept my flaws and eat the fault.  I simply cannot abide by instant messaging, though.

A few months ago, our IS department decided to turn all of our laptops into mini-cyborgs with the magic of Office Communicator.  It’s pretty slick program and while I’m not the biggest fan of VOIP, I do love the convenience factor.  What I love most is the ability to share my screen and work collaboratively.  The amount of problems solved in short amount of time is staggering.  Being able to explain something to someone and have them actually get it without rolling out the white board and dry erase markers is sheer joy.

Being interrupted every five fucking minutes (via IM) by some stupid question or “ohaihowareyou” comment is enough to drive me to kill.  I’m so not fucking around here, either.

As I’m happily pecking along, creating a monument to Rube Goldberg in Excel, I am confronted with the ping.  The dreaded ping.  The ping to end all pings.  And I know that on the other side of the ping is an otherwise lovely individual deliberately interrupting my brilliance for their stupid questions.  Or boredom.  Or frustration.

We are not permitted to disable this feature.  Don’t bother setting your status to busy or do not disturb, either.  No one pays any attention to this.  Particularly those who are prone to sending you an instant message about what flavor of oatmeal to have for breakfast.  I don’t fucking care.  Sincerely.  Really.  I don’t care.

I’m not the least bit concerned of the whereabouts of a meeting agenda.  I don’t care that you cannot find something.  I don’t care that you’re doing something tedious and need some amusement to lighten your day.  I. AM.  BUSY.  I am doing something.  I am occupied and that’s all that really matters in this world, isn’t it?

I would love to generate some sort of automatic response that reads:  Unless you’re on fire, kindly fuck off and die.  Alas, I cannot.  I don’t want to hear feedback about my lack of interpersonal skills and that I need to be a “team-player.”   No.  No.  Instead, I will grit my teeth, inhale deeply, slap on a fake smile and say “ohaithar! howareyoutoday?” while pointing a finger gun at my temple.

…holidays in hell

Following Shark’s lead, I present…

“…All the light switches in Europe are upside down.  The electrical plugs are terrifying with nine or a dozen huge, nasty prongs, and you’d better wear rubber boots if you come within a yard of them because house current here is about one hundred thousand volts.  Not that that makes the appliances work. This electric typewriter I’m pounding, for instance – I’d throw it out the window but it’s one of those silly European windows that, when you push it open from the right, comes back around from the left and smacks you in the back of the head.”

page 187