WOTD: toothsome

Today’s word is an adjective. It’s old-fashioned slang for sexually attractive. The word toothsome originally meant “pleasing to the taste or palatable.” I’m not surprised that the word toothsome has sexual connotations because hunger and sexual desire are often equated with one another.

In ye olde days a young man might say the following to an attractive young lady he wishes to court:

I do declare, Miss Mary, you are looking most toothsome this evening.

Miss Mary would then blush coquettishly and either 1. retreat, or 2. ask him to bring her another glass of rum punch.

These days a strapping young dude on the make might say this to a smokin’ hot babe with whom he wishes to hook up:

Goddamn, Mary, you look so fucking good I could eat you with a spoon.

Mary would then lean sexily against the bar and 1. say, “That’s right, honey. You can look but you can’t touch.” or 2. Ask him to buy her another Cosmopolitan.

WOTD: hair

Continuing with our hair theme, and with thanks to CC Champagne for the idea…

Hair is very important to us humans. So too is the lack of hair. It’s so important we even named a Tribal Love-Rock musical after it. I haven’t actually seen it, but I probably should because I love musicals, being a total dork in that respect. The themes explored in the the musical Hair include the hippy counter-culture movement and sexual revolution of the late 1960s. This was when love (and STDs) was free and growing out one’s hair was considered a rebellious act, especially if you were a man…

Typical hippies at a typical hippy music festival

In the 1970s and 80s, growing out your hair if you were a man meant that you were into certain types of hard rock music. You might have even been a member of a Hair Metal (sometimes called Glam Metal) band, so called because it was required that each member of the band have a long and big and heavily hair-sprayed style…

The "biggest" hair metal band of them all: Nitro.

Big hair was popular in general in the 80s for men and women alike. I can still recall the smell of Aqua Net hairspray in the girl’s locker room, and how we would tease out our hair and spray it until it was almost bullet proof. We were totally insane. Little white beads of Aqua Net would drip off our over-sprayed hair and onto the floor. Oh the memories come flooding back…

Janet Gardner of the all girl hair metal band Vixen.

Nowadays, when it comes to hair for both men and women less is generally considered more. Body hair of any kind has become a big no-no for women and most of us shave or pluck every bit of it off. The only hair we want is the hair on our heads and a couple of carefully plucked or waxed eyebrows. Additionally, an increasing number of men are now engaging in “manscaping” which is the colloquial term for the removal of superfluous body hair on a man, including back, chest, and genital hair.

As for my feelings on this, well… I like my man have some hair on him. It makes him more manly, and it provides valuable traction.

Until next time…

WOTD: money

I walked into the staff computer room at work today to find two colleagues having an interesting discussion about money. Or rather, how far would they go to get a large amount of it. How far I’d go depends on how big of a whore I am. Would I (they were anxious to know) come to a dead stop while walking down the aisle during my wedding ceremony and let out a huge loud fart if I got paid five million dollars? Of course I would. My god, I was expecting them to say a much lower number like, say, five thousand dollars.

Yeah, I’d do it for five thousand dollars. But not five hundred. My humiliation is worth more than that.

Anyway, one of the more interesting facts about modern money is that all of it is more or less worthless. This means it has no intrinsic value. In the past, there was no paper money and coins were made of precious metals such as gold and silver. These days coins are made of base metals, and with very few exceptions, the value of the coin is more than the materials that went into making it. The only reason why those worthless coins and pieces of paper in your wallet can be used to pay for stuff is because the government says they can. This is called a fiat system of currency, from the Latin word fiat, meaning, “let it be done.”

There’s a great song on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album called Money:

“Money. It’s a hit. Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit. I’m in the hi fidelity first class traveling set. And I think I need a Lear jet…”

Stay tuned…

WOTD: “bed gravity”

Now this is a phrase that really speaks to me. According to the Urban Dictionary, “bed gravity” is defined as: “an irresistible force that draws you back to bed, or toward any mattress, couch, or other soft horizontal surface. Usually stronger when one or more persons are already on said furniture.”

Mom: Time to get up for school!
Son: Must! Fight! Bed gravity! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

This phenomenon is basically the same thing as the made-up disorder “dysania,” which was discussed in a previous post. However, the phrase “bed gravity” is much better because it’s scientifically accurate. The main reason people have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, or off the couch, etc., is due to Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion, which states that an object at rest tends to stay at rest.

It’s a freakin’ law of freakin’ physics, dude. And we’re powerless to overcome it.

Bye for now…

WOTD: grace

Here’s a little blast from the past. Well, from 2009 anyway. This was my first original Project Mayhem post ever. And what do you know? It’s a word of the day post. Enjoy!

Elusive Grace

When the word Grace was revealed to me after I lifted up my finger from the dictionary page, my first impulse was to choose a different word. This word is too complicated, I thought. It has several meanings and uses, not to mention religious connotations.

Then I thought, why not? Grace is a very positive attribute. It is defined as: “seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.” Among other things, grace implies elegance, beauty, and refinement. It is a quality that enables one to maintain composure even in the face of inevitable defeat. Grace is dignity personified: stable and calm under pressure.

Grace used to be an extremely popular A-list celebrity who regularly accompanied Audrey Hepburn on shopping trips and could often be seen holding onto Cary Grant’s arm at parties. She used to be an essential guest at every Tinsel Town function, but these days Grace is increasingly hard to find in Hollywood. However, there still remains a whole new generation of starlets and “pop tarts” in desperate need of some guidance.

Therefore, with Grace becoming more and more of a recluse, her twin sister Disgrace has taken over the majority of Grace’s duties. Being much more visible than her introverted sister, Disgrace can hardly keep up with the demand for her services. Among many other things, Disgrace works as a fashion consultant, and it was she who suggested to Amy Winehouse that pink ballet slippers really do go with everything. And indeed, it was Disgrace who advised Britney Spears to wear short skirts with no panties because the resulting pictures would be a tremendous boost to Spears’ career.

Disgrace is also in high demand as a life coach. Included on the list of her exclusive clientele is none other than Paris Hilton. It was Disgrace who encouraged Miss Hilton to go ahead and record that pop album and to appear in the movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.” In fact, Miss Hilton relies on Disgrace’s invaluable relationship and career advice so much that she keeps her on a retainer. She also insists on Disgrace accompanying her wherever she goes. Whenever Paris Hilton arrives at a party or a club, Disgrace is right beside her in the limo and never leaves her side the whole night.

As for Grace, she was last known to be sharing a house with her close friends Decency and Tastefulness. No one seems to know for sure where this house is located, and as a result all three of them have become virtually inaccessible. Grace is still alive, but it is widely believed that Decency is in fact, dead. However, we have no way of confirming or denying the death of Decency at this time.

On a final note, Grace finds the song, “Amazing Grace,” to be quite embarrassing and thinks it makes her sound like some kind of magician: “Call me anything but amazing, please.”

WOTD: the “birds and the bees” and other animal-related phrases

The jury is still out on whether or not a bee is an animal. (It’s an insect.) Anyway, we all know what the phrase “birds and the bees” means, right? Well, it’s sex apparently. It’s a way for adults to talk to children about sex without having to speak openly and technically about the subject. The “bees” fly around the “pollinate” the “flowers”, you see. Therefore, to be told about the “birds and bees” is to be told in so many words (at least if you’re a girl) that you shouldn’t let any “bees” into your “flower” otherwise you might get “pollinated.” (wink wink nudge nudge) I never got that speech, though. Instead my mother got out the anatomy book and showed my brother and me diagrams and descriptions of the male and female reproductive systems.

(By the way, where do the “birds” fit into all of this?)

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “when the cat’s away, the mice will play.” It means that when no one in authority is present, the subordinates will do as they please. Parents and teachers of small children are undoubtedly familiar with this phenomenon. You turn your back for about a minute and return to what must have been a frantic mad rush to see how much damage they could cause in your absence.

When something is described as a “dog and pony show” then it’s probably an elaborately staged event or performance designed to sell you something. The phrase originated with the small traveling circuses that toured the small towns of rural America, which often featured performing dogs and ponies as their main attractions. TV commercials are a modern-day version of them. A lot of production value goes into getting you to buy the newest variety of deodorant.

It’s hard to choose a horse-related idiom that really speaks to me. Mainly because most people just don’t ride or keep horses like they used to. I do like the phrase, “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!” just because it’s so weird and offensive. So you’re a bit pissed off at the chap riding the horse, but what in the world did the horse do to you? All he did was carry the bastard. According to the Urban Dictionary it’s an insult that can be lobbed at a person of authority, since presumably this person is on their “high horse” (another horse-related idiom) and needs to be put in their place.

There are literally thousands more animal-related phrases, but I think I’ve made my point. Brevity is the soul of wit.

WOTD: vegetable

Today’s word is a noun that is defined in general terms as, “any plant whose fruit, seeds, roots, tubers, bulbs, stems, leaves, or flower parts are used as food.” It comes from the Late Latin word vegetābilis which means “able to live and grow.”

Basically a vegetable can be any edible part of any plant. This means that all fruits are vegetables. However, not all vegetables are fruits.

A fruit is the fleshy part of the plant that develops from the flower or blossom. The strawberry is a typical example of a fruit. Fruits are meant to be eaten and are essential components of the plant’s reproductive system. The sweet fleshy part is merely window dressing for the all important seeds. Mother Nature has it all figured out, you see. In theory, an animal eats a fruit, seeds and all. Later on that same animal excretes those seeds completely intact and conveniently encased in their own little envelope of fertilizer.

Many of the things that we think of as vegetables are actually fruits. Examples include tomatoes, avocados, and red hot chili peppers. The fruit that is, not the band.

One of my favorite quotations is, “Knowledge is understanding that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

The Swedish word for vegetable is “grönsak” (literally “green thing”) despite the fact that not all vegetables are green.

Remember to eat your veggies…

WOTD: Armageddon

As long as we’re all preoccupied with the Rapture and the Apocalypse, we might as well discuss what to do if Armageddon occurs. And I’m not talking about the astonishingly bad Michael Bay film from 1998. In religious/biblical terms Armageddon is the final epic battle between Christ/Good and the Anti-Christ/Evil. However, in more general terms it can be pretty much any “great and crucial” conflict.

The 2012 Phenomenon is considered to be part of the Armageddon mythos. If the Mayan Calendar is anything to go by, in 2012 the earth will be subjected to a series of unavoidable disasters and catastrophes which will culminate in the end of the world as we know it. So, your basic Armageddon.

You probably wouldn’t be at all surprised if I told you that there are several websites out there with important safety tips and “How to Survive” information for the coming disasters of 2012. For example this website discusses how to survive the “polar shift” (this is a misnomer for geomagnetic reversal) which will inevitably occur during 2012.

Those of us living in Northern Europe will probably be okay, but pretty much anyone living in the United States is screwed big time. Might as well start charging up those credit cards right now folks since you probably won’t survive Armageddon 2012.

This same website also offers for sale several items of specialized gear for those who wish to maximize their chances of surviving the disasters of 2012. Included among these are Fruit of the Loom heavy cotton undershirts and Calvin Klein cotton boxer shorts.

Because after all, even if the world is coming to an end it’s important to make sure the family jewels have the support one has come to expect from a brand as reliable and well-known as Calvin Klein. And at £18-£30 for a package of three, they’re not only essential survival gear, they’re also a bargain.

Some of the survival items available for women include a 1950’s style floral halterneck dress, and a silver clutch handbag.

Because after all, even if the world is coming to an end it’s important to be as fabulously dressed as possible and with the proper accessories. It would never do to show to up to Armageddon with your everyday black leather handbag.

Bye for now…

WOTD: rapture

With thanks to Cissi for the idea…

Apparently, the world is supposed to end tomorrow so I thought this might be a good time to discuss our two options leading up to the pending apocalypse.

1. The rapture option.

This entails being physically removed from the earth in the midst of the turmoil of Judgement Day and sort of beamed up to heaven. Recommended for those most eager to meet Jesus in person. This would mean repenting our sins or something.

2. The “completely over-the-top, extravagant orgy of total hedonistic abandon” option.

No further explanation needed. This was Mark Base’s idea and that’s good enough for me.

Until next time. If there is a next time.

WOTD: raphanizein

Here’s another word off the request line, brought to you by Poet Master Blitzken. Today’s word is a noun that I defy any of you to copy and paste into Google and search for images.

On second thought, that might not be a very good idea.

Rhaphanidosis, you see, is the practice of inserting the large roots of plants into the anus. This is not for sexual/bondage purposes. During the 4th and 5th centuries B.C. in Ancient Greece it was a common punishment for adultery. Apparently, they took adultery REALLY seriously back then. Getting a large horseradish root shoved up your ass sounds a bit worse than having to wear a scarlet letter A on your chest for the rest of your life.

This word isn’t used very often these days, but one could perhaps use it to describe a situation that feels (hopefully metaphorically) kind of like having something large and bulbous inserted into your backside in the most painfully unwelcome way.

Oh man, watching that movie was a raphanizeinian experience. (Baffle your friends.)

Incidentally, raphanizein wasn’t the only punishment for adultery back then. Sodomy by mullet fish was also common. And both the large radish and the fish would eventually run you through. Imagine having to choose between the two. Like having to choose between death by plague or cholera?

*shudders*