Monthly Archives: May 2011

Shaved

You know that hair,
Down you know where?
There must be a reason,
Why it’s there.
Perhaps to keep,
Your naughty bits warm?
Protect them from
An insect swarm?
Your muff, your bush,
Whatever it’s called,
It’s expected now
To be quite bald.
Way back in,
Previous centuries,
Up till the 1970s,
A natural bush was
Oft desired, loved,
Admired and required.
But alas, the times,
And look have changed.
Pubes styled and dyed,
And rearranged.
A prepubescent look is craved.
And thus our beavers
Are now shaved.

Submitted for Funny Bunny Fridays Week 2

Yeah, I Shed

Yeah, I shed,
Okay I said it.
It’d near define me if I let it,
For I can’t deny my birthday suit,
Is irreversably hirsute,
I’m well blessed by the Gods of Hair,
And it does tend to get everywhere,
I do my best to primp and fuss,
Get groomed at “Gorillaz R Us”,
Still I find these fluffy mounds,
Seems my shedding knows no bounds,
With beds it’s found both on and under,
On bathroom floors (though that’s no wonder),
But not confined to my own dwelling,
The scale of my shedding’s telling,
It’s been found in places near and far,
There may be some just where you are,
It’s been found on the forest floor,
A few strands up on Mount Rushmore,
Here and there some bits that ladies keep,
In the Falklands it’s been found on sheep,
Tough to spot there in Arabia,
But it sure stands out in Scandanavia,
There’s been a rumour I can’t scuttle,
They found some up on the space shuttle,
It’s even been found on the great wall of China,
And in livingrooms in Raleigh, North Carolina.

WOTD: money

I walked into the staff computer room at work today to find two colleagues having an interesting discussion about money. Or rather, how far would they go to get a large amount of it. How far I’d go depends on how big of a whore I am. Would I (they were anxious to know) come to a dead stop while walking down the aisle during my wedding ceremony and let out a huge loud fart if I got paid five million dollars? Of course I would. My god, I was expecting them to say a much lower number like, say, five thousand dollars.

Yeah, I’d do it for five thousand dollars. But not five hundred. My humiliation is worth more than that.

Anyway, one of the more interesting facts about modern money is that all of it is more or less worthless. This means it has no intrinsic value. In the past, there was no paper money and coins were made of precious metals such as gold and silver. These days coins are made of base metals, and with very few exceptions, the value of the coin is more than the materials that went into making it. The only reason why those worthless coins and pieces of paper in your wallet can be used to pay for stuff is because the government says they can. This is called a fiat system of currency, from the Latin word fiat, meaning, “let it be done.”

There’s a great song on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album called Money:

“Money. It’s a hit. Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit. I’m in the hi fidelity first class traveling set. And I think I need a Lear jet…”

Stay tuned…

The Little Guy

The Little Guy he doesn’t win
He has a kind heart but that won’t swim
Swim in this World full of hatred and folly
Gee golly I wish he would win.
Fate and despair conspire against him,
World events spiral out of control,
Yet he longingly hopes for a better
Place where his pace sets the tone.
Tone, like an iPhone, where his life is an app,
Apt to take him places to change: a winning place.
No, he is the Little Guy, he won’t win.
The Little Guy is you, through and through.

It Just Is

To everything perhaps a season,
That doesn’t mean a rhyme or reason,
Fate plays its hand without showing a card,
At times we’re ever so demanding,
In our need for understanding,
But the truth is sometimes life’s just bloody hard,
It’s also true it seldom lasts,
And at some point rough times are past,
Though we know some day they’ll come back our way,
So raise your glasses with your friends,
Know that every road has bends,
And that in the end joy will find a way.

WOTD: “bed gravity”

Now this is a phrase that really speaks to me. According to the Urban Dictionary, “bed gravity” is defined as: “an irresistible force that draws you back to bed, or toward any mattress, couch, or other soft horizontal surface. Usually stronger when one or more persons are already on said furniture.”

Mom: Time to get up for school! 
Son: Must! Fight! Bed gravity! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

This phenomenon is basically the same thing as the made-up disorder “dysania,” which was discussed in a previous post.  However, the phrase “bed gravity” is much better because it’s scientifically accurate. The main reason people have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, or off the couch, etc., is due to Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion, which states that an object at rest tends to stay at rest.

It’s a freakin’ law of freakin’ physics, dude. And we’re powerless to overcome it.

Bye for now…

WOTD: grace

Here’s a little blast from the past. Well, from 2009 anyway. This was my first original Project Mayhem post ever. And what do you know? It’s a word of the day post. Enjoy!

Elusive Grace

When the word Grace was revealed to me after I lifted up my finger from the dictionary page, my first impulse was to choose a different word. This word is too complicated, I thought. It has several meanings and uses, not to mention religious connotations.

Then I thought, why not? Grace is a very positive attribute. It is defined as: “seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.” Among other things, grace implies elegance, beauty, and refinement. It is a quality that enables one to maintain composure even in the face of inevitable defeat. Grace is dignity personified: stable and calm under pressure.

Grace used to be an extremely popular A-list celebrity who regularly accompanied Audrey Hepburn on shopping trips and could often be seen holding onto Cary Grant’s arm at parties. She used to be an essential guest at every Tinsel Town function, but these days Grace is increasingly hard to find in Hollywood. However, there still remains a whole new generation of starlets and “pop tarts” in desperate need of some guidance.

Therefore, with Grace becoming more and more of a recluse, her twin sister Disgrace has taken over the majority of Grace’s duties. Being much more visible than her introverted sister, Disgrace can hardly keep up with the demand for her services. Among many other things, Disgrace works as a fashion consultant, and it was she who suggested to Amy Winehouse that pink ballet slippers really do go with everything. And indeed, it was Disgrace who advised Britney Spears to wear short skirts with no panties because the resulting pictures would be a tremendous boost to Spears’ career.

Disgrace is also in high demand as a life coach. Included on the list of her exclusive clientele is none other than Paris Hilton. It was Disgrace who encouraged Miss Hilton to go ahead and record that pop album and to appear in the movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.” In fact, Miss Hilton relies on Disgrace’s invaluable relationship and career advice so much that she keeps her on a retainer. She also insists on Disgrace accompanying her wherever she goes. Whenever Paris Hilton arrives at a party or a club, Disgrace is right beside her in the limo and never leaves her side the whole night.

As for Grace, she was last known to be sharing a house with her close friends Decency and Tastefulness. No one seems to know for sure where this house is located, and as a result all three of them have become virtually inaccessible. Grace is still alive, but it is widely believed that Decency is in fact, dead. However, we have no way of confirming or denying the death of Decency at this time.

On a final note, Grace finds the song, “Amazing Grace,” to be quite embarrassing and thinks it makes her sound like some kind of magician: “Call me anything but amazing, please.”

Fine dining my bottom

So last Friday Sharkette and I went on a date after many months of no restaurant visits.  We decided to check out the restaurant at the airport that we’ve heard so much about and try their Italian-American fare.  Though the interior was nice, I found several things lacking.  Maybe it’s because I’ve watched one too many Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay, but some things are just so common that you should just know that you don’t do that in a restaurant.

First, if somebody orders a slice of pie for dessert, it would be nice if you told them it was frozen when they bite into it!  I don’t know if it was supposed to have been served cold, or they forgot to defrost it, but Sharkette doesn’t dig ice pie.

Secondly, if you are going to be a waitress, try to look at least a little interested in your patrons.  I know we might not be the most interesting people in the world, but we are paying for your tip so please show us some frakking courtesy!

Thirdly, though the adage, “if you got time to lean, you have time to clean,” is wonderful, please don’t do that when you still have diners eating!  How annoying would it be if I invited you over for dinner and I vacuumed the dining room while you ate???  Seriously!

Fourthly, I know there is only an hour left before the restaurant closes, but you could you please not have the entire staff sitting at another table gabbing away???  I could hear everything they were saying, and I didn’t much care for their conversation.  It’s bad enough having to listen to other diners, but I certainly don’t want to hear from the wait staff as well.

That said, the prime rib was outstanding and your fries were excellent.  The bread sticks were to die for.

WOTD: the “birds and the bees” and other animal-related phrases

The jury is still out on whether or not a bee is an animal. (It’s an insect.) Anyway, we all know what the phrase “birds and the bees” means, right? Well, it’s sex apparently. It’s a way for adults to talk to children about sex without having to speak openly and technically about the subject. The “bees” fly around the “pollinate” the “flowers”, you see. Therefore, to be told about the “birds and bees” is to be told in so many words (at least if you’re a girl) that you shouldn’t let any “bees” into your “flower” otherwise you might get “pollinated.” (wink wink nudge nudge) I never got that speech, though. Instead my mother got out the anatomy book and showed my brother and me diagrams and descriptions of the male and female reproductive systems.

(By the way, where do the “birds” fit into all of this?)

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “when the cat’s away, the mice will play.” It means that when no one in authority is present, the subordinates will do as they please. Parents and teachers of small children are undoubtedly familiar with this phenomenon. You turn your back for about a minute and return to what must have been a frantic mad rush to see how much damage they could cause in your absence.

When something is described as a “dog and pony show” then it’s probably an elaborately staged event or performance designed to sell you something.  The phrase originated with the small traveling circuses that toured the small towns of rural America, which often featured performing dogs and ponies as their main attractions. TV commercials are a modern-day version of them. A lot of production value goes into getting you to buy the newest variety of deodorant.

It’s hard to choose a horse-related idiom that really speaks to me. Mainly because most people just don’t ride or keep horses like they used to. I do like the phrase, “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!” just because it’s so weird and offensive. So you’re a bit pissed off at the chap riding the horse, but what in the world did the horse do to you? All he did was carry the bastard. According to the Urban Dictionary it’s an insult that can be lobbed at a person of authority, since presumably this person is on their “high horse” (another horse-related idiom) and needs to be put in their place.

There are literally thousands more animal-related phrases, but I think I’ve made my point. Brevity is the soul of wit.