Oh, Florida…

…where killing a black man is just fine but fucking on the beach – not so much.

Last July, Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez were arrested on Bradenton Beach for having the sinful sex on the sand.  They, being Floridians, presumably, were genetically predisposed to approach this from a very unintelligent and inelegant fashion.  They took that delightful, little diddy, “Afternoon Delight” a little too seriously and knocked da boots on the beach in the middle of the afternoon, in front of other people. Urgh. Classy.

Doubly unfortunate for the frolicking duo, a four-year old child was present.  Also present, someone with a camera.  When the mom of the four-year old asked Caballero to stop, Caballero wasn’t very receptive to the request.  He was confrontational.  Who knows? Maybe he was super-dee-dooper close to the best beach sex climax of his life?  I dunno.  I have never partaken of the old beach sex.  It strikes me as particularly uncomfortable and itchy.  Sex in an old coal furnace, on the other hand…never mind…

Caballero has priors; among those, cocaine trafficking.  So, you know this isn’t going to end well for him.  He’s not getting off (not on the beach and not in court) with a slap on the wrist.  He ended up with a jail sentence of 2.5 years.  A bit draconian, if you ask me.

His partner in crime, Elissa Alvarez, was also found guilty of lewd and lascivious (one of my favorite words) exhibition in front of a child.  Not in front of a child!  For fuck’s sake, think of the children!  The children who, likely, have no fucking idea what they’re witnessing until their parents freak the fuck out and make a giant scene that will remain permanently etched in their memories. “Hey mommy!  Remember that time we were at Bradenton Beach when I was four and we saw those two people fucking in the sand?  I do! Thanks to you and your histrionic reaction.”

This particular charge is a second degree felony and as such, both parties must register as sex offenders.  For fucking on the beach. Something that how many people have done at some point in their lives?  Man, you know the bar is low when you’re popped and nailed with a felony for a cliché.

Here’s the really sad thing – Elissa Alvarez is all of 21 years old.  She was sentenced for time served and is now out of custody.  She is not, however, out of the woods.  She is a registered sex offender and, as such, has a life of no career to look forward to.  Think of all the stupid, youthful indiscretions we engaged in around that age.  As I alluded to earlier, I got busy in an abandoned coal furnace at the tender age of 20 with a belly full of beer. Thank fuck there were no such things as cellphones with cameras or the internet.  Or kids around.  I could have been Elissa Alvarez, easily.  Sex in public places is a rite of passage.  Don’t look at me and act horrified.  Y’all probably have done it once or twice, too.

The sex offender registry is important.  We deserve to know when paedophiles are among us.  That said, when you add people like this to the registry, people who diddle on the beach – how much service is that providing to the community?  I don’t feel that this behavior is overtly dangerous.  I don’t feel that two people are going to drop trou in Agrestic and get busy in the park.  And, if they do, I think a simple “cut it the fuck out” would stop that shit in its tracks.  Even if it didn’t, I wouldn’t want to destroy someone’s life over something as minor as this.  It’s sex.  It’s not rape.  It’s not sex with a child.  It’s consenting adults having sex.  Even if the choice of geography isn’t the best option.

Should we fuck on buses, in shopping centers, public parks full of kids, playgrounds, etc…?  No.  There is a need for decorum.  That’s why I have highly recommended abandoned coal furnaces and have long been a champion of them.  Even if your clothes end up stained and mucky and your hair stinks after.  But still, is any of this worth torpedoing the life of a 21-year-old woman?

No. No, it’s not.

Alas, this happened in Florida.  Florida, the state where killing an unarmed black teen hungry for Skittles is perfectly acceptable but sex on the beach is an affront to mankind. Bugs Bunny had the right idea all along but we have known that since the 2000 election, haven’t we?


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